Ahh, Tinder. Whether your major is full of people of your non-preferred gender or you just can’t talk to people in person, Tinder has become a totally great, and not-desperate way for people to meet here at Pitt. At least that’s what you can keep telling yourself, kid. We here at The Black Sheep, being the walking sex appeal that comes naturally when you’re an internet comedian, have a lot of experience on Tinder. We’ve compiled a breakdown of what your Tinder Profile says about you, broken down into pictures and bio, so read on Panthers–we might even help you find your Tinderella.
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What Your Pictures Say:
If you have any sort of dead animals (including fish!) in your profile, you’re probably from the country. Or you go fishing on Daddy’s yacht, and by that we mean you get drunk on Daddy’s yacht and pose with the fish he caught. Commonly seen paired with “WVU” in the bio, and usually with a smattering of Greek letters.
If you have all group photos, you’re the ugly one. Always.
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If your FIRST photo is a totally ironic photo of you doing something totally wacky, you’re Zooey Deschenal-esque ~quirky~ and probably used the “xD” face a lot in high school.
If you have a picture with the Panther and you’re not wearing a graduation gown, you’re a freshman who hasn’t realized how to post party photos on Facebook so that only Tinder can access them.
If you have exclusively party photos, you might want to check yo’ self before you wreck yourself. Jk. Party on, man. Along these lines, if you have a photo of yourself in your horns, you either haven’t gone out since you turned 21, or you turned 21 last week.
If you have exclusively photos from Greek life events–Big Little Stack Photos, photos from recruitment, and strategically posed photos so that that you can’t see your alcohol but know you’re totally at like, the best party of the year… You probably abandoned all your geed friends as soon as you rushed, and you’re totally in love with your little and Natty Light. This goes for frat bros as well as srat stars.
If your photos are exclusively selfies, you’re probably a little self conscious. You shouldn’t be. You’re beautiful, just the way you are… and when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while.
If all your photos are you at the gym, those are either the only times you’ve gone to the gym this semester, or you’re too hyped up on steroids to sit through an hour lecture.
If you start out with a photo of you volunteering in a developing nation, or with the world’s cutest puppy, we’re judging you… But we’re still going to swipe right. It’s a curse and a blessing.
What Your Bio Says:
Any variation of PA->VT->LA->XYZ means that you like to pretend you’re a world traveler, but you’re actually terrified of commitment and refuse to go on a third date.
If you have a clever, well-thought out pickup line, you’re taking yourself way too seriously. You’re likely to end up on Match.com when you’re not engaged by second semester senior year.
If you have a really bad pun in your bio, call me.
If you say “420 Friendly,” you also probably own socks with pot leaves on them. Where do you wear those? To lunch with grandma? To your compsci class? We just don’t understand. If you say “420 Friendly” with the maple leaf emoji, you’re obviously a Canadian Stoner.
Any variation of “dats not my kid lolz,” while good information to know, is honestly just a waste of characters.
If the only thing in your bio is your Greek letters, it’s safe to assume that your entire personality revolves around that single aspect of your life.
If you list your major in your bio, now that’s information we can actually use.
If there’s a cute or funny quirk about you, like “I’ve eaten an entire pizza by myself twice,” then you’re the less aggressive version of the ~super quirky~ guy from earlier.
If you have any Ron Burgandy quote in your bio, you’re probably a libertarian.
If you have any Ron Swanson quote in your bio, you best better love freedom and breakfast food.
If you have that stupid Michael Scott quote quoting Wayne Gretsky in your bio, build a bridge and climb over it because The Office ended three years ago and that quote wasn’t even that funny to begin with.
If you say “just here to make friends…” Welcome to the internet, person I’m assuming is recently not-Amish or just exceptionally naive.
Hopefully now you can all edit your Tinder profiles to actually get laid and not be one of these terrible stereotypes. Or go the even worse route and include all of them…because that’s definitely super creative and truly shows what a snarky special snowflake you are.