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Why This Week is the Worst Week at Pitt

Thanks-fucking-giving. One whole weekend of gluttony, pride, lust, and gluttony. Did we mention gluttony? Starting with Thanksgiving Eve drinks and ending with a huge family breakfast on Sunday, these last few days have done to your waistband what time has done to Madonna’s face (no offense to your waistband). Glorious gravy, tender turkey, and *BURP*… wow, sorry… and succulent stuffing all graced your taste buds, dancing upon them gently like cholesterol packed ballerinas. Sadly, the feast is now over. All that remains is but a few crumbs and a week’s worth of indigestion, but your stomach ails will not be the only thing that ruins this week. The Black Sheep takes a break from chugging Tums to explain why this week is going to suck.


Post Food Coma Hangover
Your last five days were no doubt spent satisfying every last culinary fetish that has ever crossed your mind. Yes, we saw you eat that stuffing straight out of the turkey when no one else was around. No, we won’t judge you, you naughty little nibbler. Here’s the problem we have: After a week of nothing but carbohydrates, your body is used to running on a tank that is constantly at F. Now, F stands for “FUCK I’M SO HUNGRY.” Lord Stomach is taking his once hourly food offerings for granted and this week, he’s going to be pissed. We recommend going straight heroin junky and quitting carbs cold turkey. Just like an addict you will need to be locked in a room with nothing but a bucket to shit in. You can use this time to study. Which brings us to our next point…


Final exams are to Pitt what napalm is to a forest. Students scramble around trying to save what little there is to save, panic cripples the entire area, and what survives is merely a husk of what once was. All the regrets, mistakes, and missed opportunities come to a head, and trust us it is not pretty. By the end of the week, most people just crawl into bed, too shell shocked to pack up their things to leave for winter break. On a brighter note, Hillman will be a fun place to people watch. Things to look for include a freshman crying, someone calculating how many points they need to pass, and an empty seat. Spoiler: one of these cannot be found.


We’ve already gotten a taste of the bullshit that Pittsburgh has to offer as a climate, but things will get worse. We wouldn’t be surprised if it snowed ten inches tomorrow and the temperature, much like an over eager sorority girl, will not stop going down. Luckily, you’ve no doubt begun adding a little extra fatty insulation under your skin. You can thank that extra slice of pumpkin pie the next time you feel cozy. If you haven’t invested in a coat by now, honestly, you’re screwed. You’re going to be way too busy to even think about buying a jacket, so you might as well quit bitching about the cold because you’ll get not sympathy from us.


Hunger, grades, and temperature are three big reasons why this week sucks, but we know they aren’t the only ones. Feel free to tweet us @BlackSheep_Pitt to let us know why your week sucks. It’ll be a nice distraction from the crippling realization that you’ll have to repeat biology next semester. We’ll retweet our favorites and who knows, maybe your bio professor will give you a couple bonus points (probably not).

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