After the Purdue Men’s Basketball Team suffered a tough one-point loss at home last night, Ohio State seems to once again be on their high horse after knocking us off of our 19-game winning streak. And yet, we’re not even that mad, because we’d still much rather be a Boilermaker than a Buckeye. Here’s why.
4.) Ohio is the only state in the U.S. more miserable to live in than Indiana:
First of all, their cops give out speeding tickets like they’re candy. If you thought Indiana cops were bad, try crossing the Ohio border – in less than 5 minutes, you’ll get pulled over by a fat guy with a superiority complex for going half a mile an hour over the limit. Not to mention, there’s nothing more boring than the state of Ohio, which is honestly saying something considering Indy is a dry, dry desert when it comes to any activity that’s not meant for all the conservative, divorced soccer moms that live here. We’d take our cornfields over their…whatever they have in Ohio. Sadness? Crippling day-to-day monotony?
3.) The only thing worse than a Patriots fan is an Ohio State fan:
They’re seriously about to change their official school name to “THE Ohio State” and expect people not to hate them for being pretentious assholes? Sure, they didn’t deflate their balls, but Ohio State is still like the Carmel, IN of college sports teams. And, yeah, we’ll concede that those sports teams are pretty much always good, but that means that 98% of their fan base consists of bandwagoners who don’t actually know anything about sports but who are simply fans because they win a lot. It’ll be interesting to watch the stadiums empty and the fans go quiet as soon as their streak of luck ends and their teams stop performing.
2.) Their school colors remind us of everything we hate in life:
Anybody who shares a color scheme with IU is no friend of ours. Many studies have shown that “Red can cause failure on exams,” which still isn’t an excuse for having a school full of incompetent boobs, but it does explain a lot. Ya know what else is red? Blood. Sunburns. Shitty Valentine’s Day cards. The lights on a cop car. Wrong answers on a test. Darth Maul. Communism. Ya know what else is gold? Goldfish. Golden retrievers. The Golden Girls. The Golden Snitch. Not to mention, like, actual gold, and the best damn engineering school in the Midwest. It feels like we’ve proved our point, here.
1.) What even IS a Buckeye?:
We’re not going to sit here and act like the Boilermaker Special is the most intimidating of mascots either, but really? They picked a small, brown, poisonous nut to represent every student, staff member, and athlete within their university? We’d even go as far as saying it’s worse than being a Hoosier. At least you can run people over with a train – what can you do with a nut? Slingshot it at people’s faces and hope it leaves a bruise the size of a nickel? So, no – we’re really not that butthurt that they won on a fluke, and we’d even like to offer them congratulations on what could be the worst, least intimidating mascot in the history of mascots.