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5 Reasons Purdue Freshmen Should Get Out While They Still Can

Purdue freshmen: with the excitement of moving in, meeting all your new friends, and getting drunk without having to worry about your parents finding out, we’re sure you’re thrilled to death to call yourself a Boilermaker. We think it’s important we tell you the facts, since your smiley-faced Children-of-the-Corn-lookin’-ass BGR leaders won’t. Leave while you still can. Trust us. You’ll thank us later. Here’s why:

5.) Construction:
Do you enjoy having to do parkour to get around between classes? If not, you should seriously reconsider your choice in schools. A scarcely-known fact among Purdue staff is that Mitch Daniels is actually building so much around campus to conceal the buried dead bodies of would-be Purdue-to-IU transfer students. If you decide to transfer, tell no one. Just get out while you’re still alive. Don’t believe us? Where do you think the subtle rotten meat smell wafting around Krach comes from?

4.) You’ll become a hermit:
Many people don’t know this, but Purdue conspires to keep students locked indoors away from the sun. Between the eternity of sunlight-free hours you’ll spend in Hicks Underground Library and the hours you’ll have to spend avoiding the outdoors to protect your lungs from the dusty construction air, you’ll be more pasty, grumpy, and withered up than Gollum from Lord of the Rings by the time you graduate.

3.) The social scene is about as real as a spotted unicorn:
Studies show that only 1 in 12 Purdue students are familiar with the word “party.” Of those who are familiar with the word, none have ever actually attended a party

Says Purdue enior, James Rustle “I watched Project X once with my cousin Joe. Does that count?”

No, James. It does not.

2.) 3 Words: The Football Team:
Actually, this one is supposed to improve. After the firing of Coach Hazell just last year, rumor has it that his replacement, Jeff Brohm is really feeling the pressure. We hear he plans to sell his soul to Satan so Purdue can finally win a football game this year. So, there’s that.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t make the “uhhhh-oomph! IU sucks” chants any classier. As every 57-year-old non-alumni who comes to Purdue would agree, these humorous little chants are “Just tacky.” Can’t a school of engineers come up with anything more creative?

1.) There Are Actual Academic Challenges. Gross:
Ugh. Take us to IU where we can ditch class to do a keg stand off a stripper’s stomach… or something like that. Going to college for a legitimate education is so 1973. We mean, would you rather waste the best four years of your life stress vomiting into your backpack the night before an exam or enjoy your college career rushing dope frats that force you to fornicate with strippers? Yeah. We’d choose the latter as well.

Please, do yourself a ginormous favor and get the hell out while you still can. If you do decide to transfer, make sure to tell no one. We wouldn’t want Purdue catching wind and building yet another active learning center to hide your dead body under.

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