We strongly advise that when you’ve snuck one too many Thanksgiving beverages behind grandma’s back and you feel like you can talk about whatever you want: don’t. Here are some examples of what not to say as you’re heading to Thanksgiving dinner this week.
5.) “All the frats I used to shack at are on probo, so now I actually have to find a place to sleep at night.”:
Your grandma would choke on her mashed potatoes if she knew how many dudes you let surf your seas this semester just for the chance to sleep in a cramped cold-air bed with 60 other guys snoring around you. Waking up to the smell of beers being cracked open for breakfast next to a guy who was an 8 out of 10 last night and a 4 out of 10 this morning was not what she meant when she told you to “find a nice boy” in college.
4.) “I don’t have a boyfriend.”:
The statement seems innocent enough, but the next thing you know, you’ll be drinking non-alcoholic wine and playing the claw machine at Dave and Buster’s with the son of your aunt’s BFF Karen, who’s still in high school and who’s definitely still waiting on the sweet sting of puberty. It’s cool that you’re trying to grow a mustache, kid, but for your own sake, wait ‘til you can grow something that won’t make you look like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite.
3.) “Yeah so, this one Friday night at Brother’s…”:
You never know how many cans of worms you could open up with this one. Remember that sketchy-looking cousin who talks too loud and only shows up every 5 years to family gatherings with 12 new poorly-drawn tattoos and the sickly aura of someone whose alcoholism extended past their four years of college? Now that he knows you party, he’ll spend hours talking about “the glory days” and discussing the different combinations of drugs he’s tried over the years. It’s 2017, Jerry. Popping Xannies isn’t cool anymore.
2.) “I still have no idea what the f**k I want to do with my life.”:
You’ve changed your major 6 times in the last 2 months, you’ve dropped four classes and picked up five more before the last day to withdraw from a course with a W instead of a WF, and the only two achievements on your resume are starting the Acorn Club in high school and making french fries at Arby’s for a month and a half before you noticed a cockroach in the peanut oil and quit on the spot. Job fairs give you crippling anxiety and you’re pretty sure your GPA is lower than the gas prices in West Lafayette. We figure just not bringing it up at a family dinner – or maybe ever — would be your best bet.
1.) “I bought 12 goldfish from Wal-Mart at 12 different times and they literally all died.”:
Your mom is expecting you to poop out some grandkids in a few short years, so hearing that you can’t even take care of a small aquatic animal that you only have to feed twice a day is just a little disheartening for an aspiring grandmother. Plus, your parents have talked you up so much to the rest of the family that everyone has been led to believe that you’re way more responsible and ready for adult life than you actually are, so it’ll be a real bummer for them to find out that you don’t, in fact, have a single ounce of your shit together.