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5 Things That Purdue Students Should Leave in 2017

We already attend the best educational institution in the nation – but hey, we wouldn’t have made it this far if we didn’t occasionally sit back and consider how we could improve. So, in the spirit of the new year, here are 5 habits that Purdue students should leave in 2017.

5.) Making Shitty IU Jokes:

We’re all for quality roasts, and no one deserves it more than IU — but seriously, at least let your shit-talking reflect your superior intelligence. If an IU student can come back at you with, “I know you are but what am I,” you probably should just keep your insult to yourself. There’s no need to use the same cliché shit that everyone’s been talking about for years when IU has been giving us so much fresh content this year, from losing to IPFW (who the hell is IPFW) to suspending all Greek life. We expect more (better insults) from you, Boilermakers.

4.) Doubting the Football Team:

Now that the days of Darrell Hazell are over, and Brohm has led us through a great season and an even sweeter bowl victory, grab some black and gold body paint and a Natty and stop expecting your favorite boys to choke in the 3rd quarter. We get it, the past three years of Purdue football have given you PTSD – but now that we’ve picked up Rondale Moore, who chose Purdue over FSU, Bama, and OSU, Brohm is getting some much-needed speed on offense and we’re that much more prepared to kick some ass next season.

3.) Assuming That Engineers Have God-Like Intelligence:

The 16 hours a week that the rest of us spend killing brain cells and nursing our hangovers and making a lot of stupid decisions is an extra 16 hours that these nerds get to study calculus. If we had an extra 16 hours a week to learn triple integrals, we could at least do better than a class exam average of 40%. They might be smart, but chances are 4 of the 5 people they consider “friends” are actually professors whose asses they’ve had to kiss to pass their classes. So yeah, engineers might be book smart, but they have the social intelligence of a goldfish.

 

2.) … But Also Assuming That Higher GPAs = Higher Intelligence:

Your fingerpainting class just doesn’t hold a candle to physics. Sorry. We don’t care how it pertains to your future career – talk to us when you have to calculate quantum spin torque. Ever wonder why, when people need a “GPA Booster,” they schedule a psych, philosophy, or sociology class? Because chances are, you could ace every one of those exams without attending a single lecture. We’re not discounting their importance – we’re just saying that a 4.0 in psychology is different than a 4.0 in physics. Shit’s challenging.

 

1.) Taking the CoRec for Granted:

LA Fitness costs like, $30 a month, but you’re currently getting the CoRec included in your tuition. You just gained 27 pounds from all the mashed potatoes you ate over break (plus the 15 pounds of beer weight you gained from a particularly stressful semester), and yet you’re still sitting there with your thumb up your ass drinking your weight in booze and hoping the pounds will just magically melt off. Unfortunately, stress-crying is not a mandated exercise. Join the rest of the New-Year’s-Resolutioners and hop on a treadmill or something.

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