Campus sure is different nowadays. You can’t use half of the roads, the sun is in its full murderous rage, and there’s no Crazy Monkeys shows to look forward to! It’s a real bummer at times. So much so that an actual fun summer at Purdue seems to be impossible. Not to worry! Take it from a gal who has tried literally anything to get her mind off Purdue, summer in West Lafayette IS survivable!
5.) Tinder in a soft and fluffy disguise is still Tinder:
Well, it looks like your pals have left for the summer (to do something better than write tasteless satire for free no doubt). You might be feeling kinda lonely. You’re thinking to yourself, “Hmm…If only there was a way my mopey-ass could find other local mopey-asses”. There are ways. BUT! Bumble BFF is NOT one of them. You think there’s nothing worse than romantic rejection? Worse than Freshman year when that cute anthropology major said you weren’t her “type” because you said Yoga wasn’t cultural appropriation? THINK AGAIN, SIS! Friendship rejection is by-far worse. You’re caught thinking “What did I do wrong? Is it my face? Or is it my dry-ass texts?” (It’s probably a healthy mix of the two).
4.) Prepare that sad husk of a body for Fall’s poor decisions!:
Summertime in West Lala brings with it three months void of occasions (and rational explanations) to get shit-faced. No Homecoming, no Breakfast Club, no Grand Prix, and no (annoying yet convenient) darties! Here comes the perfect opportunity to do some detoxing to avoid skipping syllabus week due to a shitty hangover. Feel like an actual human being by drinking some water, eating some actual greens this term. Come Fall, Harry’s won’t know what hit it!
3.) Let’s get that apartment sparkling! (You’ll never find a sub-leaser if they see how you actually live…):
This might be hard to believe, but you really don’t need all those free keychains you got during BGR. Take an hour or two to do some spring cleaning! Toss those expired Mad Mush coupons! Those ill-fitting “Think Summer” T-shirts? We’re getting rid of all that noise! And possibly finding some long-lost stuff as you clean (Like your sense of accomplishment).
2.) Refine that palate:
We’re all making peace with the news. Chauncey might be getting torn TF down, but that doesn’t mean you have to say goodbye now. Make yourself some memories! Stop by all of those poor condemned eateries and try something new! Actually, why stop there? Support your local businesses by literally kicking the door down as you enter and ordering one of everything! Well gee, that’s enough food to feed Mr. Muscles from Earhart’s dining court! (Who needs four hamburgers and spaghetti? Smh).
1.) Hope is lost Hoosiers:
We totally lied. Your only safe bet is to lay, much like a star-fish, in literally any building on the Agriculture side of campus and hope it chooses today to collapse (reducing you to humble ash in da process).