Are the stresses of Purdue getting you down? Do you need to get away? Whether it’s Tennessee, Canada, or Milwaukee, the upcoming fraternity formals offer a perfect (and pretty much free) way to get yourself out of town for a booze-filled weekend. Here’s how to secure the perfect date.
5.) Woo him with the passion of dance:
Whether it’s putting your dignity aside and strategically throwin’ that ass in a circle in front of some guys in jerseys, doing the robot, shopping carting and sprinkling your way into their hearts, there’s no way someone at the function won’t wanna spend $500 on a weekend with you once they see your sick moves, even if you do kinda look like Napoleon Dynamite on crack.
4.) Smell his hair:
There’s nothing a boy appreciates more than a good old-fashioned hair sniff, especially from a stranger. After all, he spent a lot of time at Walmart with his mom picking out which Axe shampoo he thought would attract the most ladies. This strategy allows you to reach a whole room of boys in record time — just run around the room making sexy eyes with as many as you can, take quick, powerful sniffs directly from the top of each head, and move on to the next one. You’ll either get laid or kicked out, and both make for a good story in the morning.
3.) Challenge him to a duel:
If the boy you have in mind is more of the strong, silent type, give him a chance to show off his strength at the next LARP on Krach lawn. There’s nothing that gets a frat boy goin’ like a lady with a plastic gladiator helmet beating him repeatedly with a foam sword. The key here is that even when it’s 10 p.m. and everyone else has already left, and he’s laying on the grass with tears in his eyes, begging you to stop hitting him, you don’t stop until he agrees to take you to formal and not file a restraining order.
2.) Have his babies:
Had a little “oopsie” the night before with the Chad you managed to seduce? Normally, we’d say “damn that flimsy latex!” but now we say, “perfect!” When he offers to pay for Plan B the next morning, tell him not to worry about it and let your uterus do the work! He’ll have to take you to formal if you’re carrying his unborn child, and if he doesn’t, then at least you’ll have someone to pay child support for the next 18 years!
1.) Don’t be yourself:
There’s nothing a frat boy hates more than an intelligent, goal-driven female with small boobs and a big heart. Find the most aggressive push-up bra at Victoria’s Secret, pair it with an air of stupidity and maybe dye your hair blonde, and the boys of Sigma Apple Pie will be lining up begging to spend their money on you at formal. Throw in some Rush Tits and beat them at Fortnite and you might even find yourself your next husband.
If you thought finding a date for formal would be hard, then girl, you’re just not trying hard enough.