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5 Ways to Keep Your Summer Job Despite Not Even Knowing What The Office’s Acronym Stands For

Summer-time at Purdue means less competition for student employment, baby! No freshmen snagging the good and easy gigs. Hey look! You found yourself an office job. Lucky you! Time to make some mindless cash that you’ll probably toss directly into the void that is the Neon Cactus (or just ordering way too much food from Hungry Boiler, you monster). You’re no stranger to the position, but recent Purdue budget cuts might have you re-considering your daily Netflix binges at the desk. Take it from your Auntie Black Sheep, there are ways to keep your lazy ass employed.

5.) Make friends with the scary receptionist:
She’s the kind of gal that has a bedazzled kitten calendar, but has never been seen smiling. She seems to have every article of Boilermaker apparel, but where is this Lady Hoosier’s Purdue pep? Long-gone! And your ripped jeans and long-board are not making you any more relatable. Let’s kick up a conversation to show Wendy from the front desk that you are, in fact, relatable! Rule number one of making friends with Midwestern ladies? Ask as many questions as you can about their kids. That’ll get her! Keep this up and you might even get the occasional “good morning” as you walk in (or, you know, stay employed)!

4.) Every so often start typing on your keyboard as fast as you can, make it loud so you seem super busy answering e-mails:
Show that unbridled determination! Open up a new tab and start typing stream of conscious style into the search bar, but FAST! You’ll look like you’re totally into getting those e-mails sent out (or whatever the hell it is that you do), when really you’re just slapping a grocery list into google. It might alarm the people around you, but once they see your other-worldly work-ethic, they won’t be able to help but shed a tear.

3.) Take some food along with you to instantly steal hearts:
“Who brought a pie?”you hear from just beyond your desk. IT WAS ME, CAROL! IT WAS ALL ME! PLEASE LET ME STAY IN THE OFFICE AND GET PAID TO DO MY WRITING ASSIGNMENTS! ALSO IT’S PECAN SO IF YOU HAVE AN ALLERGY STAY AWAY, CAROL!

2.) Make like a freshman at a Crazy Monkeys show and get there EARLY:
Oh, you’re signed up for that 8 a.m.-12 p.m. morning shift? Well! Your black and gold ass better be in the building no later than 7:49 a.m. to prove your punctuality and your love for your job. Door still locked? You better wait by that door like a groom waiting for his beaming spouse to join him at the altar. Tear up a little upon being let in for good measure.

1.) If you whisper Hail Purdue to yourself every so often, John Purdue may apparate and bestow a gentle kiss atop your head, keeping you safe and sound:
It has been proven to work on numerous occasions. You don’t have to love Purdue, but you gotta show the Purdue Divinity some love. Pledge your hard work to ol’ John, maybe you’ll even get to keep the job come fall.

Nothing can stop you from keeping that easy job! It’s up to you now, don’t mess it up! That means you have the resist the over-powering urge to make a map from your house to Starbucks that takes the absolute longest route. 364 hours so far baby!

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