“The Neon Cactus? What is that? Is it some kind of STD?” wonder Purdue freshmen. When you’re stuck in the small, sad bubble that is comprised of frat parties and dorm drinking, it’s hard to imagine what magical realm lies beyond the puke-crusted entrance of Neon Cactus. Here’s what not to expect.
7.) Dancing on par with all 500 Step Up movies:
Considering Cactus is basically Purdue’s only actual “nightclub,” you would think the dance floor would be poppin’. Wrong. It’s mostly creepy, middle-aged townies rubbing up on your back, which just ain’t fun for anyone. At some point during the night, the dance floor clears completely, and there will be one fried dude just kind of hopping around. He definitely won’t remember doing so.
6.) Remembering everything you drank:
When you go to a frat party, you normally remember what nasty shit made you puke all over your hookup’s chest. It must have been the blue PowerAde and vodka mixed drink — ew. This isn’t the case at Cactus. You’ll have to check your credit card statements the next morning to make sure you didn’t spend a fortune refilling your Cactus Cup. Anything past three cups, and you’re completely donezo for the night.
5). Access to a public restroom:
Have you ever had to wait in line for a bathroom for ten minutes at a house party? Well, listen up, buttercup, because you better squeeze out every last drop of urine before heading to Cactus. If you have a schlong, you might not suffer too much, but for our unlucky female friends, be prepared to wait in the ladies room line for the remainder of your time as an undergrad.
4.) Lots of babes lookin’ to get laid:
Let’s be real. The only man that matters at Cactus is Bruce, the piano-playin’ master of the keys in the piano bar. You can find the ladies there, but if you interrupt Bruce’s rendition of “Mr. Brightside,” your sexual conquest might just knee you in the balls.
3.) Parties throughout the weekend:
Young ones, listen up: you only go to Cactus on Thirsty Thursday. If you’re trying to impress your upperclassmen friends, DO NOT elbow nudge them and joke, “Hey, so you goin’ to Cactus tonight?” on a Friday evening. Thursday or bust.
2.) Memorable experiences:
If you don’t lose your phone, wallet, keys, significant other, or any realistic chances of waking up for your 8:30 lab, it wasn’t a true Cactus night. If you remember any more than half of your time spent at Cactus, you’re doing it wrong. The cups are huge for a reason. It’s THE place to be to lose whatever dignity you still have left.
1.) The good-tasting drinks won’t screw you up:
Gone are the days where the tastier a drink, the weaker its potential. In fact, now that the drinks taste good, it doesn’t even feel like you’re drinking alcohol – which makes the whole experience infinitely more dangerous. But, if you’re gonna do it, you gotta really do it – so whip out your wallet and let the Long Islands at Cactus take you to Hell.