A recent investigation of Purdue’s Bird scooters conducted by the university’s finest engineers has concluded that at least two on-campus Bird scooters are carrying pieces of Allie and Noah’s souls, the main characters of Nicholas Sparks’ The Notebook.
While many have declared this statement to be “absolutely bat shit,” these tests were designed by the best group of Purdue engineers, which means they cannot be flawed or incorrect at all. They were completed just after one student claimed he heard the echo of “if you’re a bird, I’m a bird” coming from an impound lot.
“It was really fuckin’ weird,” said sophomore Zack Moss. “I heard waves crashing and I swear to god I saw Ryan Gosling, but it turned out to be just one of those dumbass scooters.”
“College kids these days cannot appreciate the emotional impact that Nicholas Sparks has had on an entire generation,” one test designer, Dr. Jack Roylce. “All these kids want is to bone someone they just met, and be able to scooter back to their apartment the next morning. We want to bring back the greatest movie of all time. We want to bring back love.”
Now that engineers are aware of the trapped characters, the next step is figuring out how to release them. They hope that by doing “some math shit,” they will be able to release Allie and Noah from the scooters, and in turn remind students that they have the opportunity to grow old and die next to another old person.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.