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BREAKING: Daddy Daniels Not Actually Your Daddy

For months Purdue students have been convinced that President Daniels is their “daddy,” but after a ridiculously expensive 40,000 person 23 And Me test, it is now jarringly clear that Mitch Daniels, a.k.a. Daddy Daniels, did not father any current Boilermakers.

“It’s a little awkward,” commented grad student, Kendra Daniels. “Last month I called my mom a cheating whore because I was certain Mitch was my pappy.”

Similar reports of mom-shaming have been reported since the test results were revealed.

“I think it’s rigged, man,” warned junior Mitchell Danielson. “There are over 500 registered students with the last name of Daniels in this school, are you trying to tell me that not one of them is related to the big daddy? My zaddy. Impossible.”

Daniels, who has claimed to be uncomfortable about the nickname “Daddy Daniels,” says he is relieved by the results and hopes they will put an end to this behavior.

“This school is rampant with daddy issues,” Daniels commented. “Like, do they not know this is a sex thing? Or do they? Wait, am I hot?”

Most of Purdue’s student body is grieving, while President Daniels is realizing for the first time that he may be attractive. 

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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