Purdue University, in its opposition to cancelling classes, decided this week to risk students’ lives by forcing them to walk to class on the icy death traps they dared call “sidewalks.”
“I turned a curve over by Armstrong and the bus damn near slid into the sidewalk,” explains Silver Loop driver, Roger Fern. “About killed an entire high school tour group. Would’ve felt worse about it if three of ‘em hadn’t been wearing IU hats.”
Purdue students are expressing less optimistic views about the ice, claiming that the poor sidewalk conditions are affecting their well-being.
“I was rushing to my 9:30 and busted ass on the sidewalk,” explains transfer student Adam Dire, wiping tears from his face. “Instead of sitting in my physics lecture, I spent my morning in the hospital. I’ll sue if this kind of thing keeps happening. The least they could do is pay my tuition.”
When The Black Sheep visited his office for commentary on the incident, Mitch Daniels quickly threw a jacket over his computer, which was open to an internet site titled, “Top 12 Ways to Injure College Students Just Enough To Build Character.”
“It’s a shame to hear students are getting hurt on the ice,” responds Daniels with a repressed smile. “But here at Purdue, we must put academics first. After all, this isn’t IU!”
Some students believe there’s something else going on behind the scenes, as many claimed to have seen suspicious activity going on around campus.
Relays an anonymous source, “I swear I saw someone in a black ski mask pouring water on the four-way crosswalk along Northwestern this morning. It’s almost like someone’s doing it on purpose.”
Other sources confirm foul play to be a factor in the students’ struggles with ice.
“If you were wondering why it’s so slippery outside, it’s because someone specifically paid me not to salt the roads,” explains salt truck driver David Hen, shoving a powdered donut in his mouth with his feet propped up on a table in the Union.
President Daniels, however, denies any such conspiracy and claims to have the utmost respect for the safety and well-being of students on campus.
“Why would anyone do such a thing?! If someone was out to get the students, I’d know about it!” screams Daniels nervously, grabbing a ski mask off of his desk and swiftly tossing it out his office window.