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A Drunk Review of All Things Purdue

Of course, we love Purdue – but no university is perfect. Good and bad, here are some slightly intoxicated reviews of some of the most prominent aspects of life as a Boilermaker.

Hicks Undergraduate Library:

Number of tears shed there: Approximately 238 per minute.
Number of loud people in the study areas: This is a library, Brittany, chill.
Number of books actually checked out: They have books?
Hours spent looking for a table: Longer than the time you actually spent studying.
Grade: B+

Armstrong Hall of Engineering:

Number of times you’ve wondered how an engineering school could design a building whose entrances they’d have to close because of rogue icicles falling off the roof: Probably never, but now you’re thinking, “Wow.”
Number of people who actually interact with the informational Neil Armstrong wall: If we’re being generous, a few dads on campus tours.
How perturbed you were when you realized that Amelia’s makes you pay to toast your own bagel: Literally what.
Grade: C (But only because it’s kind of aesthetically pleasing.)

Purdue Memorial Union:

Amount of money you have: -$2.38
Amount of money you still spent on La Salsa this week: $35
How much you hate yourself for that: Honestly? Worth it.  
Grade: A (You can never go wrong with a quality quesadilla.)


Number of times they have misdiagnosed you: Literally every time – props for consistency.
Hours spent waiting for your appointment: At one point, you probably just thought “fuck it, what’s bronchitis anyway?” and shotgunned a bottle of Mucinex.
Students that come in with minor aches and pains just to try and get out of class: 89.9%
Grade: F (Just go to the Minute Clinic.) 

Purdue Basketball:
Amount of hope you had for them to at least put up a good fight against Kansas: Like, a lot.
How much your hopes were crushed when they choked and lost by 32 points: How hope-crushing would it be if you found out Santa wasn’t real while taking a Purdue math exam? Yeah. That hope-crushing.
Do we still love them?: We’re not mad, just disappointed.
Grade: C+

Purdue Football:

Depressing Losses: How many games did we play?
New coaches in the last 5 years: 5
How many years Darrell Hazell should’ve coached: -25
Grade: D (Please get your shit together, Purdue.)

The Boilermaker Special:
How many times it’s woken you up from an incredibly peaceful slumber: One too fuckin’ many.
How much spirit it actually instills into Purdue students on game day: If “pissed off” is considered spirited, then a lot.
How many times you’ve not-so-discreetly stepped in front of it in hopes that it would hit you: 1, and you only regret it a little bit.
Grade: D-


Times you’ve gotten an answer wrong simply because it doesn’t like how you typed it in: 99%
Years lost off your life trying to figure out how it wants you to type it in: At least 32.
How much it actually teaches you about what you’re learning: Absolutely nothing.
Grade: Not even on the alphabetical scale at this point.

Purdue Parking Facilities:
How much they’re hated on campus: Maybe more than we hate IU. 
Number of cars on campus: Like, a billion.
Number of parking spots to house those cars: 1
Grade: If we could give them a Z we would.

Purdue Overall:

Amount of money it costs to go here: More than you have ever possessed.
Number of times people from other schools will try to tell you that they understand how hard academics here are: One time is one too many.
Drunk people writing stupid articles: Just one, obviously. 
Overall grade: A+++++++++, because we’re sick as hell.


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