Connect with us
Connect with us

Purdue

Teen Superstar Jacob Sartorius to Enroll in Purdue’s Veterinary Sciences Department

As of Thursday, teen pop sensation Jacob Sartorius–best known for his 2016 hit  “Sweatshirt” and his prepubescent cult following–is expected to officially enroll in Purdue University’s Veterinary Sciences department. In a twist of futures, the 15-year-old has decided to leave the music industry to pursue his love of cutting open half-dead animals.

“I’ve always loved Purdue, their chicken is excellent,” Sartorius said at a press conference on Tuesday. Sartorius’s mother later issued a national apology for her son’s confusion of the chicken company with the world-renowned engineering school.

When asked what he’d do with his degree, Sartorius shrugged and said he’d “probably start an Instagram slime account. ASMR is really my passion, the vet degree is just to impress Selena Gomez. Selena, I <3 u.”

As of now, Gomez has not responded to the remark.

Opponents of the incoming freshman’s early transition call into question his veterinary morals.

“That tiny man asked his fans for naked pictures and cheated on that one girl from Stranger Things — a real veterinary student would NEVER do that,” commented Albert T. Doggs, professor of Veterinary Morality at Purdue.

Others argue that Jacob may actually be overqualified to attend Purdue. Graduate students, like 35-year-old Dan Gram, are speaking out in defense of Jacob’s move.

“He definitely deserves a spot at Purdue, who cares if he’s a morally inept 15-year-old without a GED? Have you seen that smile? SWOON!”

Dozens of students have begun reaching out to Jacob to show their support. So far, all are members of a historically Jewish fraternity which has issued Jacob an honorary membership.

“That boy has clout,” the frat said in a statement. “He can party with us any day of the week! Except for Friday, that’s the Sabbath.”

Protests against the enrollment began early Wednesday as three people showed up to the third-floor bathroom of Wetherell for a Facebook organized sit-in, but the efforts have been categorized as “useless” due to unconfirmed rumors that Mitch Daniels is a closeted Sartorius fan, referred to as a “Sartorian.”

In a chilling foreboding reaction to the news, @PurduePeteOfficial tweeted yesterday, “Just heard the news that Jacob’s coming to Purdue in the fall…you better hide your girl, no one’s safe now.”

Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame:

Continue Reading

More from Purdue

Advertisement
Advertisement
To Top