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Purdue Scientifically Proven Better Than IU (Again), If Anyone Was Wondering

Upon the release of U.S. News’ National University Rankings, Purdue Boilermakers rejoice at the fact that they have once again proven to be better at life in general than IU — as if it was ever even a question.

“I know a guy who goes to IU,” said Purdue sophomore Jeff Bridge. “He’s not a great friend or anything, it’s just been fun to witness him come to the slow and painful realization that, along with the rest of the student body at IU, he did, in fact, peak in high school.”

Purdue has been ranked 56th nationally, and if you keep scrolling and scrolling and scrolling and scrolling down the list, you’ll see IU sitting in 90th.

“In between conversations centered around cocaine and binge drinking, sometimes you’ll hear IU students mention academics, said Purdue senior Katelyn Marrowe. “It’s usually to brag about how they haven’t been to class in 9 weeks, but sometimes, you’ll get the occasional Kelley student. In those cases, it’s best to get out of there while you still can.”

Rumor has it that after the rankings were released, sales of Peach Takka in Bloomington went up exponentially. Kelley students can be seen with nervous sweat and bulging eyes, pacing in front of an academic building they’ve never actually been into and taking pulls at 3 o’clock in the afternoon on a Tuesday.

“I’m in the Kelley School of Business,” IU senior Ben Briggs started, literally before we could even get in a formal introduction. “I was a Direct Admit. They wanted me more than my dad ever has. Can we be best friends? You should connect with me on LinkedIn.”

“The Kelley School of Business is cool, I guess – if you like going to school for four years thinking you’re better than everyone only to be beaten out for CEO by a guy with a Purdue Engineering degree. Can’t wait to make all those guys my bitches,” added Purdue junior Josh Lehmann.  

So, once again, it’s a good day to be a Boilermaker, and a not-so-good day to be a Hoosier (whatever a Hoosier is). We’ll take black and gold over red and white any day.

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