The polls are in, and after a thorough investigation including a celebrity panel of judges and a grueling, much-awaited deciding time of 18 hours, Purdue has been ranked #1 for “Most Likely to Randomly Smell Like Shit at Odd Times of Day” in the national list of “Campus Quirks.”
Jack Auf, founder of the “Campus Quirks” list, says, “Since 1869, Purdue has upheld an incredible standard of shittery. I’ve never seen, or smelled, anything like it. Purdue’s campus is also in the top 30 for ‘Safest College Campuses,’ and we really think it’s because the shit-smell scares away any potential burglars or crazies.”
The source of the ass fumes are unknown. Nobody knows why Purdue smells like a homeless man’s buttcrack; it just does.
“It’s a really special award,” Auf continues. “Instead of wasting time focusing on social issues like racism and prejudice at Purdue, the higher-ups have clearly been installing special feces-scented timed air fresheners around campus to keep Purdue unique…or something. I don’t really know how they do it, actually, but it’s pretty impressive.”
Purdue Student Gloria Butts exclaims, “Wait, this is a thing? This is being celebrated? I literally started walking a different route to class because the smell that clings to the air by Krach was making me sick to my stomach. Like, it smells like a literal toilet. That hasn’t been cleaned, ever.”
“Or strolling past Memorial Mall? Why does it smell like shit there? Do people just constantly squeeze one out on the lawn? Why else would it smell so bad? I don’t understand,” Butts further explains in frustration.
One would think that outdoors is a place to breathe in some fresh air, but not at Purdue. Students who are avidly against the shitty situation have figured this out, and combat this problem by just staying indoors all the time, even when it’s nice outside.
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