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Purdue Frat Boy Hampered By Others’ New Year’s Resolutions

With the start of a new semester comes the initiation of New Year’s resolutions for Boilermakers all across campus. For some, this is the driving force that students need to kick off a successful semester. But for others, like disgruntled frat boy Chad Jameson, it spells disaster.

“First off, what the hell is up with the Co-Rec, man?” Jameson laments. “I’m tryna get hella swole for spring break but all these new people are really harshin’ my mellow.”

Though Jameson has been seen body-shaming people around campus for not having the unrealistic body proportions of a literal Barbie, he’s inherently non-supportive of any new attendants at the local gym.

I don’t care if you have a resolution to ‘get healthy,’ or ‘lose ten pounds,’ save the gym space for those who need really need the gym, bro. I’m trying to define my abs so I can be slayin’ mad puss this semester.”

Thrown off by the announcements of sorority girls in close proximity who aspire to drink less, Jameson has been forced to confront the fact that their sobriety drastically lowers his chances of so much as sucking a single titty.

“Uh, well Chad was in my Intro Biology course last semester, and he definitely tried to get my number and I definitely said no…he’s no Zac Efron, ya’ know?” says Carrie Smith, one of Jameson’s acquaintances.

Sources have confirmed that no matter how attractive Jameson thinks he is to the women around campus, they just never seem to feel the same way.

“He kind of looks like a foot. A crusty foot that has definitely taken one too many mollies. He doesn’t stand a chance with any of these girls even though he’s consistently sliding into someone’s DMs,” says Britney Davis, a sophomore in one of Jameson’s psychology classes.

Though we can’t imagine why, Jameson’s own resolution for the new year doesn’t seem to be doing him any favors, either.  

“My only resolution is to get bigger; physically, mentally, and everything in between,” Jameson confidently announces while simultaneously swiping right on every profile that comes across his Tinder. “These hoes ain’t loyal, so I’m really just gonna focus on me and makin’ moves all of 2018. Make America Great Again.”

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