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Purdue to Implement School Uniform to Combat Changing Temperatures

This week, it was announced that in accordance with the bipolar weather experienced by much of the Midwest, namely central Indiana, Purdue is going to require that students wear a school uniform in order to match the hot-and-cold mess that is the current weather.


“One day it’s 80 and a week later it’s 38 degrees. I don’t get it. I didn’t wanna go to school in Hawaii, and guess what? I didn’t wanna go to school in Alaska either. I chose Purdue because it’s in the most boring, uneventful state to ever exist. But this weather is too nuts, man,” laments Brody Harrison, Purdue student and overall complainer.

The uniform will consist of shorts, preferably Chubbies, to negate student suffering during the sweltering days on campus, paired with a thick wool sweater just to balance everything out. A complimentary Cactus Cup holster will also be included with the shorts.


“It’s too damn difficult to decide what to wear every morning,” Harrison continues. “Like, if I put on a coat in the early morning when it’s freezing rain outside, I know I’m going to hate my life around noon when mother nature decides to be a lil’ bitch and ruin my life.”


Purdue President Mitch Daniels has even agreed to wear the uniform around campus for the first couple weeks in support of its implementation.


“Yeah, I mean, I’m kinda doing it because I want the rest of the student population to get psyched about it,” claims Daniels. “But mostly, I’m doing it because I frickin’ love Chubbies. Who doesn’t wanna see an old dude in his late sixties rockin’ Chubbies?”


Pretty soon, Purdue students around campus will be strutting their stuff in their new weather-proof attire. Students with concerns about this new procedure are being told to suck it up and deal with it, because global warming isn’t stopping anytime soon.

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