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Purdue President Disappointed Indiana Parties Harder

Last week, Indiana University’s chapter of Sigma Nu was suspended from campus on alcohol and hazing violations, to the dismay and disappointment of the local alcoholics, dude-bros, and party-girls. While this is sad news for Hoosiers, it’s also sad news for the Boilermakers, as it means we are now officially the lamer school.


Last week, Purdue President Mitch Daniels released a statement on the issue:

“It is my position to uphold Purdue’s standards of being the most bitchin’ down-’n-dirty college in the midwest, and I am thoroughly disappointed with current fraternity standards on our campus. I ain’t being in charge of no pussy bois. Step it up.”


IU seems to have figured out a special equation for degeneracy that Purdue just hasn’t grasped yet. With a special combination of strippers, alcohol poisoning, and cocaine, Indiana University knows how to boogie. Currently, Purdue doesn’t have that sort of reputation, a social issue affecting students and faculty alike.


“I mean, Purdue has a frat called, like, FarmVille or something. And we serve mixed drinks with like 2% alcohol content, but I’ve never heard of anyone going truly batshit crazy here. You can only grind on some sweaty frat brother with a bad haircut so many times before you need a change of pace,” says Purdue student Danielle Smith.


Daniels knows how to fix the situation:


“What Purdue needs is a frat that isn’t afraid to sacrifice its house for the greater good of the Purdue community. One that is prepared to engage in tomfoolery so ridiculous that its letters are ripped off of the crumbling exterior the next day, where the souls of drunken hookups past can live inside the empty shell of the house forever. Could this be your house? If so, I’m looking for someone to punish.”


We’ll be waiting, Boiler boys.

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