A handful of undergraduate Occupational Health Science students at Purdue University have pinpointed an ingenious solution for the above average student: if you want to ruin your grades, relationships and finances, merely become sick.
Dean of Students, Katherine L. Sermersheim, Ph.D commented, “Every Purdue student has, at one time or another, felt like they were going to pass all of their exams with a 100% or higher – in other words, they didn’t feel like college life offered enough challenges. Purdue understands that life is insufferable when your GPA is a 5.8 and your confidence is through the roof, so, for your benefit, incognito disease agents have been sneakily implementing de-sanitizing solutions on campus since the early 90s.”
The plan has been under wraps since its beginning, but President Mitch Daniels revealed to our news correspondent last Tuesday that, “In order to promote an unhealthy lifestyle and reduce student success rates, Purdue has begun implementing small obstacles around campus to help you feel worse.”
Modifications include: an overpowering smell of raw sewage near construction zones, mold growing inside Meredith and Owen, and lead-contaminated water fountains inside Lilly Hall.
“I tried procrastinating, I tried going to darties, I even tried overbooking my life, but eventually I realized that nothing is as time-consuming as illness,” agreed 23-year-old Shreve resident, Tammy Wolfrick, while coughing into her ‘IU sucks Ohio swallows’ sweatshirt.
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Plans for future health services are being kept quiet, however President Daniels gave The Black Sheep a sneak peek for the fall semester, saying that, “Only recalled romaine lettuce will be served in the dining halls.”
President Daniels’ controversial statement is being challenged by insider information that suggests companies such as La Hacienda Bar & Grill and Yummy Time Sushi are in negotiations with Purdue Dining and Catering to discuss meal plans for the Fall 2018 semester.
“It’s the 21st century, people. Being sick isn’t just a commodity the rich can afford!” quipped Junior Health and Disease expert Trisha Lyoles during a phone interview on Wednesday. “I think it’s obvious that Purdue wants to give their students every disadvantage they deserve because they know that being sick is exactly what students need in their lives during dead week.”
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