While Boilermakers everywhere are celebrating Wall Street Journal’s recent naming of Purdue University as one of the nation’s top 5 public universities, the school’s long-time rival, Indiana University, refuses to accept this as sufficient evidence for Purdue’s superiority. Instead, confused and angry, the IU populace continues to cling to the last strand of relevancy they have: a once-pretty-ok basketball team.
“Wall Street Journal? Yeah, big whoop!” slurred Mark Hicks, a 2016 IU alum sitting in his trailer park and scratching his beer belly protruding from an undersized Hoosier Daddy tank top. “If Purdue is so great where the hell are its banners?!”
Like many other fans who use the banners as a defense for Indiana University’s otherwise abominable reputation, Hicks was barely old enough to remember its last basketball championship in 1987.
“Neil Armstrong ain’t walked on the moon since way back in ’69, so what nothin’ gotta do with nothin?” Hicks cried.
“Who gives a shit about that astrodude?” Hicks’ wife Helga interjected while shoveling a spoonful of spoiled egg salad into her mouth. “Armstrong only went that there moon to get as far away from West Lafayette as he could,” she cackled, causing her to choke and spit her lunch back up onto her exposed cleavage.
“Plus, we’ve got Jared the Subway guy,” added Mark. “You know he’s actually a good family friend? Used’a babysit for Junior over there.” Mark nodded over toward a 13-year-old kid sitting in the corner, staring into space with a blank expression.
As we attempted to bring the conversation back to Purdue’s achievement, Hicks felt the urge to add some “final thoughts.”
“Eh, screw ‘em. I guess being ranked real good at smarts would be cool if you had a stick up your ass ‘er somthin.” Opening a Natty Light, he continued, “IU made Playboy’s top 50 party schools. Now that is something to be proud of.”
Whether their pride is in their university’s banners, or its ranking in Playboy magazine, Indiana University students can continue to express their unfounded admiration for their university from the comfort of their RVs for years to come.
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