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The Purdue Freshman Survival Guide

Welcome class of 2018! How was BGR week? Think you can stomach another game of “Two Truths and a Lie”? No? Alright. Head to Engineering Fountain. Lay in the sun, read this, and try to forget about the past week of icebreakers and overly-enthused group leaders. Here’s everything you need to know for your first year as a Boilermaker.

 

First Day of Classes

What to Bring: If you’re reading this, it’s probably safe to assume you’re over the age of 18. You should have the basics down: clothing, whatever pertinent learning materials you need, and coffee. So much coffee. Beyond that, it doesn’t really matter what you bring to class. Just don’t be that kid with the scooter. That guy is the worst. Secondly, if you are over the age of 11, you should be riding a goddamn bike. Do you think your grandfather, after fighting Nazis, after marrying your grandmother, and after creating your father, rode a SCOOTER WHLE HE WENT TO SCHOOL ON HIS GI-BILL?! YOU BET YOUR ASS HE DIDN’T. The  point here is that no one really gives a damn about what you bring to class so long as it isn’t a scooter. 

 

What to Expect: It depends. Lots of walking if you have classes in Lily or god forbid the Animal Husbandry building. Classes in Beering will be filled with kids who don’t give a damn about English lit, and a frustrated teacher. Engineering classes will be all male. Psychology all female. Roll with it. Class is what you make of it, just try not to sleep. 

 

First Party

What to Bring: This will vary greatly depending on weather you’re a male or female. Girls, just show up. Your mere presence at a party is a blessing to every guy there. Seriously, thank you. Guys, you’re on your own. Run to Tark-Mart, buy some overpriced mixers  and condoms, then say a prayer that your brother’s senior friend will remember to meet you by Neil Armstrong with the handle of bottom-shelf vodka. 

 

What to Expect: Disappointment. Just kidding. Unless you’re looking to get laid, then yes, disappointment. Otherwise, what you will actually experience varies greatly depending on the setting.  If you’re at one of Purdue’s frat houses, expect a big dance floor, booze and women. If you’re at a friend’s house you can expect a more laid-back setting, but also less anonymity for your drunken debauchery. But, some things are givens, such as: Drunk girl crying and throwing up, an overeager asshole pretending to be drunker than he really is, and lots of questionable dancing/groping. 

 

Sporting Events

What to Bring: A ticket? We don’t know. Why are you asking us what to bring to a football game? 

 

What to Expect: For Purdue to lose. This is true for both football and basketball. Now, we have a lot of good Olympic sport teams here, such as track and field and swimming and diving. But we all know you’re never going to go to those. Really, our athletic program can be summed up by the fact that Morgan Burke won’t allow flood lights to be installed at Ross-Ade. Process that for a minute. No lights. No lights at on a major university’s stadium. In 2015. Oh, Morgan. 

 

The Dorms

What to Bring: ARE YOU STILL ASKING US QUESTIONS? HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT TO BRING TO YOUR DORM? YOU KNOW WHAT? BRING A FERAL CAT AND A POT OF HONEY. YOU’LL BE GOOD BRO. 

 

What to Expect: Getting really close to your roommate, and conversely learning to hate your roommate. It will happen, it’s inevitable, just move on. Your roommate is an asshole anyway. Seriously, could he clean the damn microwave for once? OR NOT BANG HIS GIRLFRIEND WHEN I’M STILL IN THE ROOM. Sorry, flashbacks man. Anyway, you’ll have fun. 

 

Exam Day

What to Bring: A pencil and a lack of shame knowing you’re going to fail.  

 

What to Expect: A big room, a Scantron, and to see a seemingly endless sea of kids you haven’t seen in class for 4 weeks. Oh, and if the exam is in Elliot, a lack of desks. Get ready to feel a myriad of emotions ranging from dread to anger (ANSWERS A AND B ARE THE SAME THING), and either euphoria or misery based on your results.  

 

Even if you don’t appreciate any of the advice laid down here, hopefully you’ll remember some of it in a time of need (like choosing between a scooter and a bike). Best of luck, and Boiler Up!

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