As the end of the semester approaches, you’re not the only one getting the not-so-subtle “I’m tired of this shit” vibe from most of your professors. Here are phrases you can incorporate into everyday conversation to make sure your professors hate you less than the rest of your classmates.
10.) “Want a chip?”:
There’s nothing a professor wants to hear more than the constant rustling of a potato chip bag while he or she is trying to lecture. The more the noise seems to affect him and the students around you, the better you’re doing – just make sure to offer everyone a chip out of courtesy.
9.) “What’d I miss?”:
Professors understand that life happens – that’s why they’re so willing to go over the material they literally just talked about while you waited in line at Starbucks for 25 minutes trying to grab yourself a latte. If you’re really on the professor’s good side, they’ll even stop class to stare at the wall and contemplate why you decided not to show up on time.
8.) “Our printer was broken – can I email it to you?”:
Many students use this excuse as a lie to cover up the fact that they simply didn’t print their paper off – but not you. You plan to use e-mail correspondence not only to send the paper that you wrote in an hour the night before, half-drunk and sleep deprived, but to send the professor lots of personal questions about his life so that you can really get to know him.
7.) “Can you bump my 73% up to an 85%?”:
Even though you haven’t been to lecture in a month and you’re pretty sure you missed an evening exam last week, the professor will respect you for caring enough about your grade to ask. Plus, a 73% is just so frustratingly close to an 85% – they’re sure to recognize how much pride you set aside to request a grade boost and take pity on your lack of work ethic.
6.) “When are your office hours?”:
This information is always available on the syllabus, but professors really appreciate being asked this question, especially by 78 other students right before a big exam. To really set yourself apart from all the other underprepared undergrads, make sure you never actually go to office hours – this will only make the professor want you more.
5.) “Hail, hail to old Purdue, oh hail to our old gold and black…”:
Bursting into the fight song in the middle of an important lesson is a surefire way to get yourself on a professor’s list of favorite people. Add some hand gestures and make borderline uncomfortable eye contact, and the professor may be so inspired that he stops his lecture cold to march the entire class around Memorial Mall.
4.) “Can we have class at Neon Cactus?”:
Chances are, your professors are just as fed up with Purdue’s rigorous academic schedule as you are. They may have already been daydreaming about ending class early so they could head to the Cactus to get margarita drunk at 3:00 in the afternoon – but now that you suggested holding class there, they’ll give you an A just for being so creative, and an A+ if you buy them a drink.
3.) “Can I go to the bathroom?”:
Interrupting class to ask if you can go to the bathroom, especially multiple times in one lecture, shows the professor that you respect their authority and are really torn about leaving such a riveting lesson to empty your bladder.
2.) “That’s wrong.”:
As an undergrad, raising your hand and informing a professor with more schooling than you’ll ever have that what they’re teaching is wrong just reinforces your intelligence. And, professors love a good debate, so having a heated argument with them in the middle of class will make them feel like you really care about the material, even if you are just making up words to sound smart. The more frustrated they seem, the more successful your strategy — bonus points if they kick you out of class.
1.) “Yeah, I got it from my brother.”:
The benefits of turning in a sibling’s assignment are twofold. One, if the professor liked your sibling, chances are they’ll like you too. Two, the professor will be proud of you for using your resources, and instead of reporting you to the Dean’s Office for plagiarism, will promptly give you a fatherly pat on the back and an A.
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