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The Top 4 Nonsexual Ways Purdue Turns You On

Cuffing season is quickly approaching, and there’s nothing worse than being stuck during the holidays with nothing but your dominant hand (or both hands, if you’re ambidextrous) to fill the romantic void in your life. As if you horny shits don’t get enough random boners as is, here are some non-sexual ways that Purdue might turn you on.

4.) A “Class is Cancelled” E-mail:
You find yourself struggling to imagine what it must’ve been like in high school, waking up at 6 a.m. and attending 7 hours of back-to-back classes, when now you can’t even make it to your 10:30 without forgetting to brush the beer out of your breath. The feeling that comes with receiving (via a very grammatically incorrect e-mail) your professor’s exceptionally lame excuse for not showing up to class, followed by the signature, “Sent from My iPhone” and the satisfying “tap” that comes with shutting off your alarm for the morning is almost as intense, but slightly more erotic than the birth of your firstborn child.

3.) The gentle caress of a warm breeze in the middle of October:
Not even a well-executed ball fondle is more pleasurable than the soft kiss of a warm fall breeze on your inner thigh. The one perk of going to school in an area where Indiana weather runs wild is that it’s still 70 degrees just 2 weeks before Halloween – which also means Campus Preacher Guy can stay nice and warm for a couple more weeks while he sits on his stoop and tells us all to burn in Hell. Some might say this weather is a sign of global warming, but lucky for us, we have our very own wind farm to cool us down – so we can enjoy these historically anomalistic weather patterns with absolutely no consequences!

2.) Jeff Brohm and Purdue’s O-Line:
There’s something about the shiny, mostly-bald head of a 46-year-old man who’s already carried our team through more victories than we had in the entire 2016 season that just stokes the fire in our loins. No one can go from 0 to 100 as quickly as Jeff Brohm on a Purdue fumble – and we surely don’t mind the large, sweaty men in uniform rubbing up against each other for three consecutive hours. Considering our defense doesn’t do shit, our offense makes up for their suckery with some sweet, sweet touchdowns that put the big “O” in offense. Keep throwing those balls around, boys.

 1.) The Bell Tower:
Nothing is sexier than the shroud of mystery that surrounds a forbidden relationship, and Romeo and Juliet ain’t got nothin’ on the erection of Purdue’s most infamous legend. Sure, we noticed the beautifully phallic shape of The Bell Tower the minute we laid eyes on it – but when we heard about its dark and illicit history, and notably, the fact that we would never be allowed under it, it only drew us in more. Who needs nudes when you can whack it to the cold, hard limestone of one of the tallest (or longest, if you’re into that) structures on campus?

And so, we hope that your dreams tonight are filled with images of Jeff Brohm riding The Bell Tower, whispering sensually in your ear that class is cancelled, and carrying with his departure the swift wind of a warm October in Indiana. Or, you could dream about actual sexy things – but where’s the fun in that?  

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