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5 Insults to Shout at Pennsylvanians This Weekend

The Rutgers football team is headed over to Penn State this weekend to inevitably get crushed. Or uhhh, school spirit: we’re gonna do great! Or moderate school spirit: we’re gonna try our best! Anyway, just in case we can’t beat you in football, we’re gonna preemptively insult your state in order to boost our egos. Cool!

5.) Yoo, the Nittany Lion is ugly:
The Penn State mascot looks like a street rat that was chewed up and spit out by a wild animal, then thrown into a drier and whacked against a wall a couple times until it resembled something remotely living. And the scarf stapled into the middle of its neck does nothing to remedy this. You can’t Weekend at Bernie’s your mascot, guys. The Nittany Lion’s run through all nine of its lives, and it’s time for a new one.

4.) Remember when you guys voted for Trump?:
This one kinda writes itself, cause Pennsylvania went red last year. They voted for someone who doesn’t speak in full sentences. His writing abilities are so shitty that he used to only communicate exclusively with 140 character tweets, but now he has the challenge of 280. These tweets sound like they’re all written during a bout of diarrhea after watching four hours of conspiracy theories on YouTube. Do better, Pennsylvania.

3.) You know you’re not actually the south, right?
So cool it with the camouflage and the Confederate flags, okay? Also, mudding is the most pointless of motorsports. You just drive around in a truck and splash into mud puddles, until the mud is transported from the ground to the car. Now your truck’s dirty, but your value as a fake southerner goes up? We guess? Join the rest of the northeast. It’s not so bad. There are good bagels and pizza here. And if you’re so fixated on being Pennsyltucky, just bite the bullets that you love so much and move to the south. You may not be missed.

2.) You’re basically New Jersey’s ugly cousin:
And you’re the most indecisive of states. You want to be the south, Amish country, a discount New Jersey, and a progressive representation of your cities all at once. Pick something! Probably not the Amish thing though. At least being New Jersey’s ugly cousin isn’t so bad. You’re putting in an effort for this category. Improve the quality of your Italian food and then we’ll be in competition. Note: an Applebee’s chicken strip covered in mozzarella and marinara sauce does not constitute chicken parmesan.

1.) Penn State is in the middle of no where:
Smackdab in the middle of Pennsyltucky, Penn State remorselessly drags its victims to this school, aware that should they take one step off-campus they will immediately face the threat of being bored to death. This is why people from Penn State are so proud of their mediocre creamery. There’s just not much around. The mudding thing is starting to make sense now.

Try out these insults this weekend! They could be fun! Or the start of a brawl! In which case, we didn’t make this article, and you have no way to prove we did!

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