Citing that he was really only there because his mother made him go, eight-year-old Tommy Steinberg couldn’t be more upset to be chosen as the “Culver’s Kid of the Game” during the Badger Men’s Hockey game.
“So I’m just at Culver’s trying to eat my Team Scoopie meal in peace, right? Then all of a sudden my bitch mom comes over and tells me she signed me up to be Kid of the Game,” stated Steinberg, whose vocabulary was far more colorful than it should be at the age of eight. “I was really pissed because I’m not really excited about sitting on a Zamboni and waving at a bunch of dumb people, who I don’t even know, while watching a team, who I’m confident won’t even win.”
Steinberg wasn’t worried though, the odds of him being selected were slim. However, much to his dismay, he received a phone call he never wanted to receive explaining that he was chosen to be that dopey kid waving at the crowd and inadequately making a W with their hands.
“Anti-shout out to my mom for signing me up for this bullshit in the first place—you are NOT the real MVP, Colleen!”
Steinberg’s concern was very much warranted. With a 3-19-4 record, it’s not even worth pretending to be excited anymore. Once prestigious among the age 5-10 crowd, the Kid of the Game position has turned into nothing more than a night of having to act like you’re happy watching a team make more mistakes than a pee-wee hockey league.
In true mother fashion, Colleen Steinberg showed her support for something that doesn’t really merit it.
“I just think they’re a fine group of boys, full of determinism and lacking proper haircuts. They’re just kids doing the best that they can—even if the best they can do is losing 19 times in one season,” said Colleen. “Winning isn’t everything. There’s no I in team. Keep your eye on the ball. I don’t really know, you guys, I’m running out of sports clichés here.”
Though Colleen seemed to be excited about the opportunity, little Tommy Steinberg was still looking for any excuse to get out of his obligation.
“I’ve tried everything I could think of—faking sick, saying I have to study, even kicking my dad in the shin until he grounded me,” said Steinberg. “But the bitch won’t crack. I DON’T WANT TO BE THERE, COLLEEN, WHAT DON’T YOU GET?”
Before the game Tommy found himself in the middle of a pregame in a house on Mifflin as his mother was trying to park the car (which may have influenced his decision to suck it up). Which is how Tommy ended his night on the Zamboni, waving at a bunch of disappointed fans.