Connect with us
Connect with us


English Majors Get Into Literal Sword Fight Outside Of Fretwell


Last Thursday, while most people were praying for the snow to cancel classes, two English majors began a conversation after their evening poetry class that would lead to one of the most violent conflicts in UNCC history. It all began because of their unit on rhyme, leading to a conversation on correct word pronunciation. This, of course, led them down a road that has ended more friendships than Monopoly and drunken confession combined: discussing how to pronounce GIF.


Now, many people have been reported shouting about this controversial topic — some guy even sucker punched a professor a few years back — but in the entire history of this campus, no one has ever had a pronunciation battle while carrying around swords. This violent coincidence happened because one of the aggressors, a Miss Adeline Bell, is a member of the fencing club and was on her way to a team meeting after the end of class, her fancy sword holding bag in tow. Unfortunately, the other English major, a Miss Caroline Tart, is a part of the Medieval Society and was likewise walking to a club gathering with a sword. Why the hell the school allows this, no one really knows.


Eye witness reports state that the two started shouting on the steps of Fretwell. That’s when Miss Bell reached into her bag and pulled out her rapier. For those of you not up on your nerd speak, a rapier is the needle like sword they use in fencing. According to one witness, “The other chick laughed maniacally and yelled ‘what are you going to do with that? Poke me to death?’ before dropping her bag and pulling out the biggest mother fucking sword I’ve ever seen.”


According to the police report, that big sword is a, “Double edged steel claymore measuring 55 inches in length and weighing 5.7 pounds.” So, for those of us who don’t speak nerd, it’s a really big mother fucking sword.


Due to the fact that glorified toothpicks are not suitable for battles with broadswords, the girl with the claymore disarmed the fencer and left her with a gash on her leg within minutes. Rather than back down and just pronounce GIF differently, Adaline Bell refused to surrender. Witnesses say she screamed through tears “I will never back down! No matter how the wind howls, the mountain cannot bow to it!” Her opponent did not call her out on ripping off Disney’s Mulan for her dramatic speech, although her reason for not doing so still remains a mystery.


Luckily, the police came just in time. Sargent Barns responded to the situation, and quickly wounded Miss Tart with a bullet to the leg before she could strike the fallen Miss Bell again. When the heroic cop was asked why he aimed for the leg, a shot he easily could have missed, instead of shooting for the kill he stated that “even though she was heavily armed and clearly out for blood, and if I had missed the other girl would probably be dead, there was no reason to waste her life.” The department has yet to issue an apology for these comments.


With the “Epic GIF Battle Of UNCC” concluded, the aggressive Miss Tart is now in police custody and will likely spend time in a mental facility. Miss Bell is in the hospital and is expected to make a full recovery. Although we’re still not sure who was on what side of the GIF argument/sword fight, we beg you, for the sake of your safety, stop giving a shit about the pronunciation of GIF and continue on with your daily lives. It’s not worth the risk.


Continue Reading

More from Satire

To Top