Connect with us
Connect with us

Satire

Michael Brewer Tapped to Play Point Guard

Yesterday was a busy day in Hokie territory. If you weren’t rushing to finish your Chem lab report at the last minute, gaping at the sororities and fraternities performing at Anchor Splash, or falling victim to Wine Wednesday, you were possibly semi-intrigued enough to watch the basketball game against Duke.

 

While some of us may see it as a cruel, sad joke that we play Duke (their record for the season is 25-3 and ours is a not-so-hot 10-18), the game did not go as horribly as expected. We were actually leading for part of the second half. It was miraculous. Sadly, while hopes were high we went into overtime, in our usual fashion we devastatingly lost at the last minute 91-86. And with Duke being the UVA of North Carolina, this loss was taken rather personally by many.

 

If this gives anyone a wave of PTSD to any previous sports seasons, you’re not alone. Sick and tired of this trend in our sports programs, the VT Athletic Department decided to hold an emergency meeting after the game.

 

Looking at all the sports at once, the staff started to rearrange members of the teams like puzzle pieces. With highly-specialized statisticians painstakingly analyzing player stats and date, a decision was made. They decided that it would be in the best interest of both basketball and football teams if they recruited Michael Brewer for point guard rather than quarterback.

 

It makes perfect sense. For starters, it will definitely help the football team. Even a member of the third string, intramural racquetball team would throw fewer interceptions. Secondly, our expert sports analysts figured that if we beat Duke in football with Brewer as our quarterback, we could obviously beat them in basketball if he was our point guard. The transitive property is what’s really at work here. Thirdly: he’s hot. And in football, he’s wearing a helmet, so no one can see his radiating good looks. But with basketball, he’s all out there for everyone to see.

 

Ticket sales are expected to go through the roof and game attendance is predicted to be at an all-time high, bringing a renewed and positive energy to the court. While the game yesterday led all of us still interested in the basketball season on an emotional roller-coaster, never fear. VT hardly ever fails to come up with innovative and forward-thinking ideas, so we hope this last secret weapon will be the final savoir of this year’s basketball season. And if not, there’s always women’s basketball.

Continue Reading

More from Satire

Advertisement
Advertisement
To Top