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PAV Employee Fired: Now Only “Four Guys”


Jessica Reed, 20, was fired from Five Guys in the PAV yesterday after her boss found out that she, in fact, is not a guy. There are now only four employees left to run the establishment.


Reed began working at Five Guys at the beginning of the semester when there was only one spot left. She weaseled her way in when the manager asked, Who do you know here? and she pointed to Guy #2. The restaurant was desperately busy with its new hours and the fresh distribution of Plus Dollars, so the manager skipped the rest of the interview and hired Jessica as Guy #5. There were never group bathroom breaks, so no one caught on to Reed’s true identity. She tried her best to blend in, keep her hair tucked in her hat, talk about chugging beers and playing video games; she was doing such a great job at staying undercover.


“I knew I wasn’t supposed to be there, but it was a good job and they had no clue I wasn’t one of them,” said Reed. Turns out, “My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard,” is not a very manly song to sing while making customers’ milkshakes. Guys 1 through 4 did not think anything of Reed’s singing at first, but then came the high-pitch segment, “You want it. The things that can make me yours,” co-workers immediately reported Reed to their manager, and the interrogation began.


“I knew I had screwed up as soon as the first line came out of my mouth,” said Reed, “but I kept singing anyways hoping they would think it was just a joke if I committed.” There was no She’s The Man shirt-lifting, pants-dropping scene for proof. Rather, Reed tried to play the equality card. Unfortunately for Reed, Five Guys was obviously being transparent about who they hire. It says it right in the name. Five Guys. Since they were up-front about the whole sexism thing, it is totally okay that they fire her strictly for being a girl.


Reed’s manager commented as to how equality works within this burger business. He said, “It doesn’t. Could the sign be any clearer?” Five Guys is now trying to come up with a better hiring process. The company has proposed a process that requires medical records, family photos, and names of colognes/perfumes purchased. As for Reed, she has moved on to Chick-fil-a in the PAV. Supposedly, they will have their milkshakes available next semester. Now Reed will be free to sing her heart out, preferably loud enough for Four Guys to hear.

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