Connect with us
Connect with us


VT Student Withdraws After Zayn Malik Leaves One Direction

Early Wednesday afternoon, a decision was made that shook the world. Zayn Malik broadcast his decision to leave the wildly famous boy-band One Direction. While this announcement left nearly every prepubescent girl in a state of utter shock, one particular Virginia Tech student took the news especially catastrophically. The university administration asked we not use his real name to protect his privacy during this difficult time, so he will be referred to as Blake C.


Ever since their beginning in 2010 on the X-Factor, Blake has been a diehard self-proclaimed “one-directioner,” a term he actually claims to have coined. “He used to be obsessed with *NSYNC, but one day he tore down all his old posters and even disassembled his Justin Timberlake shrine. I thought he was having a psychotic break,” says Blake’s mom in an interview. “But then when he replaced everything with this new band and I understood.”


Over the years his obsession only grew. Once coming to college it was reported by Blake’s freshman year roommate that Blake threw out all his old clothes in exchange for women’s skinny jeans, a leather jacket, and copious amounts of hair gel. He cut his hair, grew a beard, and even became a member Club Tan to darken his skin tone. All this to look like his one true idol: Zayn Malik. He refused to move into an apartment with less than five people, saying that if there’s five One Direction members, there needs to be five roommates.


Blake entered Virginia Tech on a full ride scholarship as a promising student double majoring in both biochemical engineering and architecture all while maintaining a 4.0 GPA. This projected academic success rapidly declined when in the middle of his college career he switched his major to music. After that he spent all his spare time auditioning and trying to bribe his way into various a cappella groups on campus. He made it his life goal to become the 6th member of One Direction.


“He has quite ironically lost his direction” Blake’s friend told us in an interview. “When he heard about Zayn leaving, he screamed, ran to his computer, logged onto Hokie Spa, and withdrew from the university.” He was picked up late last night curled up on the Drillfield muttering the lyrics to “What Makes You Beautiful” and has been safely returned home with the suggestion psychological counseling.

Continue Reading

More from Satire

To Top