Following the Hokies’ upset win against eighth ranked Ohio State Buckeyes Saturday, students gathered up all those extra beds and couches lying around and lit them ablaze in the streets of Blacksburg. For one household, this meant setting fire to their roommate Raj’s bed and couch.
Brock, Raj’s roommate of two years, told reporters, “Raj was gone for the weekend, so when the clock struck zero and we had beaten Ohio State, burning his stuff just made sense.” “The fun didn’t last though,” Brock elaborated, “Next thing we knew we didn’t have any more of Raj’s stuff to burn.”
“Honestly, I didn’t think he’d notice,” said Tiffany, Raj’s other roommate. Tiffany was especially distraught over the loss of items purchased by Raj that could be dragged out into the street and set on fire. “Raj really needs to step it up. What are we gonna do if we get to the ACC Championship? It’s selfish, really.” When asked about her motivations, Tiffany explained that, “What? And be the only losers not drenching a piece of household furniture in gasoline, carelessly throwing a match at it, and screaming ‘GET SOME’ as loud as possible? Who do you think we are, Raj?”
“Goddammit” commented Raj, who was in Columbus watching the Hokie’s claim victory against the heavily favored Buckeyes. When asked how his roommates were expected to celebrate such a shocking win, Raj stated, “My dad and I high fived—that seemed like enough, and I was there! Where am I supposed to sleep?” Raj concluded, saying, “I could see this from Brock, but I expected a lot more from Tiffany. She wears glasses!” This isn’t the first time Raj’s roommates have disrespected his possessions, as just two weeks ago Brock—without asking—used his bucket to cure ALS.
Neighbors haven’t been exempt from the trauma. “It hurts knowing that poverty is so close to home,” said Rebecca of apartment 34A. “I would have been happy to give them one of our 5 or 6 couches—I lose count—but by the time we found out we had already burned them all and gotten the score of the game tattooed on our hips. Mine’s on a banner wrapped around an anchor!”
The residence has reached out to the community for help during this troubled time. “It’s the adrenalin rush I miss the most,” said Brock, “I’ve resorted to watching footage of car accidents while that ‘feel the rain on your skin’ song plays. Anything to feel alive.”
Raj has joined the cause as well, reaching out to donors saying, “I’m so tired.”
The household issued a formal statement on Tuesday—“We, apartment 36A, are in great need and would appreciate any furniture that can be donated to Raj, so that it may be burned if we beat Miami. Thank you for all your support and generosity. Buckeyes blow.”