Connect with us
Connect with us


Terrorist Releases Demands, Threatens More Cat Scans

The world was stunned earlier this week when someone started leaving photocopies of their cat throughout the library. Was this just someone having fun with their cat? Was it someone who misunderstood was a CAT scan was? No. It was so much worse than any of us could have imagined. Today the mastermind behind this mindless act of terrorism released the following statement:


“Surely by now you all have seen the devastating power our group possesses. CAT, the Coalition of Aggressive Terrorism, has been sending copies of our black and white mascot to scare and intimidate anyone who dares stand in our way.


“Our demands are simple. First, we want the UW Snapchat to come back, we don’t know where it went, we just want it back. Second, we want Frank Kaminski to just calm down a little bit. Alright man? Just chill out. Lastly, we want a Portillo’s. It doesn’t have to be on campus. It just has to be in Madison. We don’t think any of this is that unreasonable, ok?


“Give us what we want or there will be consequences. Can UW handle any more photocopies of animals? Maybe we’ll try a squirrel next. Or even… a badger! If you agree with our cause, then help us by circulating even more photocopied animals.


“Think carefully about your next move, UW. CAT is deadly serious. As serious as a cat on a photocopier.”


We can only hope that Chancellor Blank heeds the warning of the deranged terrorists. If she does, maybe someday soon we can live in a world that isn’t filled with photocopies of cute kittens… Maybe some day.

Continue Reading

More from Satire

To Top