Connect with us
Connect with us

Satire

The Black Sheep Chosen as UW’s Exclusive Source for Breaking News

Citing it’s the only publication brave enough to answer the tough questions, UW announced that it has chosen The Black Sheep as their official news source.

 

“There’s really no competition here. Between those whiney whiners at The Daily Cardinaland The Badger Herald crawling underground with strangers like a bunch of assholes, the choice was obvious,” said Chancellor Becky Blank.

 

Chancellor Bad Bitch has an amazing point, as the quality of journalism at The Black Sheep is one that hasn’t been met since the inception of Pulitzer-worthy publications like The National Enquirer or J-14. No one is more committed to the truth than they are. No one provides the hard-hitting news so lacking in today’s Kardashian-filled media like they do. No one fools people with satire to the point that another publication need to write an article to tell you all to calm the fuck down like they do.

 

“Let’s just face the facts here, people… you’ve never read anything in your life more reliable than The Black Sheep,” said Becky Blank Space Baby and She’ll Write Your Name. “I even went to them first to explain my thoughts on impending budget cuts—translation: they’re a big deal. They’re the only media outlet I want to deal with from this point forward. Everyone else will be served a knuckle sandwich. ABC News? Punch. The Milwaukee Sentinel? Drop kick. Mom bloggers? Here comes a jab right in the goddamn kisser.”

 

Some people will tell you “not to take the publication seriously” or that “it’s really just all satire and parodies”—but those people can kindly go fuck themselves. People who have become visibly upset over what others would write off to be “good clean fun,” you have the right idea. You think that such excellence could possibly be provided by a group of people at a “satirical publication?” Get out. YOU GET THE HELL OUT IF THAT’S WHAT YOU BELIEVE.

 

“Personally, I’ve been following The Black Sheep since before its founders could even say their first words—and thought I wasn’t technically there to know this for sure, I have to guess those founders first words were something along the lines of ‘joint’ or ‘there’s a sale on whiskey.’ I haven’t regretted it since. Had I not been reading all their articles religiously, I would have never known that the terrace chairs wouldn’t be set up this year. Thank you The Black Sheep, from the bottom of my heart.” said Blank.

 

So whenever you need to know the truth and nothing but the truth, look no further than your pals at The Black Sheep.

 

Disclaimer: The Black Sheep is not to be confused with The Madison Misnomer… which actually really sucks.

Continue Reading

More from Satire

Advertisement
Advertisement
To Top