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Twas the Night Before Fratmas

Twas the night before Fratmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even Smith’s hookup Cindy, who won’t shut her mouth.

The basketball jerseys were hung by the chimney with care,

In the hopes that St. Frat Daddy soon would be there.


The bros were nestled all snug in their beds

And visions of Timbs boots danced in their heads.

And pledge mom in her shack shirt, and I in my snapback,

Had just settled our livers for a brief winter’s nap.

When out on the roof, arose such a noise,

I sprang from my bed to defend my boys.

I ran to the window to make sure things were fine,

And refrained from peeing out of it this time.


The moonlight glinting off the Natty cans in the yard,

Would have made a great scene for our dope Fratmas card.

When I suddenly noticed out of the corner of my eye,

Eight tiny horse dudes and this big bro-type guy.


My heart did a flip like I’d just snorted some Addy,

Because that’s when I realized it was St. Frat Daddy!

Faster than me with that one girl, they came

And he burped and grunted and called them by name:


“Now Brad! Now Chad! Now Johnny and Rick!

On Jimmy! On Jason! On Andrew and Nick!

To the top of the house! By the letters on the wall!

Now run away! Run away! Run away all!”


“Frat Daddy!” I yelled, “Hold up now man, wait!”

As I ran down to the yard, and out of the gate.

“You have to come in and play us in pong,

Beat our keg stand record, hang out, and rip bong!”


Faster than drunk chicks hitting the ground,

That man turned his sleigh and horse dudes right around.

“I guess I could stay and drink some of your beer,

But I just have to ask, who do I know here?”


By now all the dudes in the house were awake,

Not believing their eyes– this had to be fake!

He approached the front door and strode inside,

Then, “BRING ME A HANDLE, PLEDGE!” he cried.


And all of the brothers whooped and cheered,

As mango Burnett’s splashed down his beard.

Then he adjusted his snapback, his jersey, his Timbs,

Pat his beer belly, and produced a dip tin.


With a giant lip packed tight into his cheek,

He said “So are you gonna prove that your parties aren’t beat?”

The next thing I knew our speakers were out,

And dimes and smoke shows had flooded the house!


He beat all of our pledges in pong,

He stopped a freshman from breaking the bong.

He yelled The Chainsmoker’s “Closer” with us,

And I lost track of how many beer cans he crushed.


At the end of the night when it was time to go,

Frat Daddy gave me a hug, but, like, no homo.

He said goodbye to all of the girls,

Crushed one more Natty, and the snow started to swirl.


His sleigh took off with the horse dudes and all,

And into the night we heard him call:

“That was party dope boys, damn right!

Merry Fratmas to all, and to all a good night!”

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