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White People Unaware Anything Happening besides the Beautiful Weather

As UW-Madison senior Kayla Clinton walked onto her porch Saturday morning, she was greeted by the fresh scent of spring and bunny-shaped clouds that were as white as her privilege.


“Oh my God, it’s warm again!” she said in a positive manner that would imply she’s never dealt with the loss of a son or had multiple tragic lapses of judgment and abused power. “It’s just been so cold, so… basically this is the best weekend to happen to Madison in a long time!”


After further review, that was probably one of the biggest overstatements—at best—of all time.


Clinton was not alone in enjoying the first warm day in months. Streets were filled with bros tossing footballs, girls drinking with friends, and 2,000 people marching in peaceful protest—because what’s spring without these kinds of things, right?


Though no one really wanted to address the elephant in the room, some people had a firm grasp of reality. Just like Batman, junior Kenny Olson cut through the darkness and was brave enough to overcome the natural inclination of a fear of conflict to address the difficult matters at hand.


“Look, you guys, April showers DO really bring May flowers. It’s quite a tragedy that we’re only going to be able to enjoy the sunshine for a couple more weeks. And I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it. Not even the promise of flowers will help me through what is sure to be a difficult time.”  No matter how Olson chooses to react to something as upsetting as cloudy skies and light drizzles, at least he has the satisfaction of knowing that no one will report on something as irrelevant as a common mental illness that he—along with millions of others around the world—suffer from. He doesn’t have to worry about the media adding insult to injury and distracting from the real issues.


Don’t underestimate this campus yet, though—white people did in fact hear about the heartbreaking incident that occurred Friday night. Some honored this by reading a Facebook post about it and pondering over clicking the link to the news article included. Others let out an incredibly moving “oh how sad” once their friends gave them the briefest of briefings about the event, followed by contemplation over whether or not it’s warm enough to wear shorts yet.


Through these symbolic measures—for the last time, at best—it was determined that these people did enough. If you recall, most of these same people favorited a tweet about the December die-in protests at College Library and thought about renting the movie Selma after watching the Oscars, so it’s clear that they’ve done their part.


After multiple discussions with people who would not shut the hell up about how great it is that the sun is finally out, The Black Sheep became defeated and gave up on trying to make people see the bigger picture. But it’s not like we really need to. Like, according to this video, racism isn’t even a thing anymore, you know?


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