It’s that horrible, hellish time of year again as students all across campus are hustling and bustling in an effort to move into their (mostly) rad new pads for the next year. UW-Madison sophomore Maria Rosales, however, has cleverly found a loophole in the system that allows her to avoid the whole what-purgatory-must-feel-like mess by simply not living anywhere for her junior year.
“Um, yeah, I’m just going to live, like, on State Street or something for the school year,” Maria explained. “There’s a ton of stores I can chillax in during the winter when it’s cold and literally thousands of benches I can sleep on. It’ll be good for my character, good for my wallet, and, by not having to go through that whole moving thing, good for me and my parents’ blood pressure.”
Living on the streets for a whole year sounds like it could be hard, but Maria has plans drawn out to assure her survival. “The first month or so should be a breeze”, Maria bragged. “First of all, the weather will be warm, and second, I can stock up on free food and Frisbees from all the Welcome Week booths and whatnot. I even have a nice little stash of food, toiletries, and textbooks in a tree hole To Kill a Mockingbird-style. It won’t be luxurious, but it’s a far better alternative than taking three trips on those clusterfucked roads to move my stuff into some tiny apartment.”
Although Maria is certain of the piece-of-cakeness of her survival, she still plans for her situation to be a short-term fix. “I’m not living on the streets forever. Do you think I’m crazy or something”, Maria asked. “I could never survive on these politics-infused streets forever. Muggers are a piece of cake, but slimy governors and lobbyists will either kill me or brainwash me into some socialist beggar lobbying for concrete floors in all privately-owned business in the state. Obviously I don’t know how politics works, which makes these streets very dangerous for me.”
Currently, Maria’s parents are drawing blueprints for a 6,000-square-foot house on Langdon for their daughter to live in her senior year. “Madison’s a nice town,” Maria’s father told us, “and Maria took self-defense lessons at Thai-Khan-Dough, a Star Trek-themed cookie and Thai restaurant that offered a free self-defense lesson for every dozen cookies bought, so she can take care of herself physically, but not mentally. She needs some barriers to protect her from that cesspool of corruption and villainy that is The Capitol. And all those drunk frat boys.”
Since Maria will only be living in the house her senior year, she and her parents are already discussing plans for what to do with the house post-graduation. Plans include making a deal with governor Walker to establish it as the new home of Milwaukee Bucks in three years, demolishing it, as Maria’s mother believes, “it’ll be an expensive bitch to maintain, and spending your life savings on something just to see it die is the American Way,” or simply renting it out as student housing, as the dozens of rooms, Olympic-sized swimming pool, and scheduled nightly performances by Stevie Nicks could give The Hub a run for its money.
Needless to say, come her senior year, Maria “can’t wait to move in!”