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Fall is Here and so are The Basic B*tches

This past week, the weather here in Madison transitioned from sunny and enjoyable to chilly and tolerable. For most, this is a disagreeable season change. But for others, a small subculture that quietly exists in our campus community, this seasonal transition has allowed them to come out of hibernation and show their true colors. Fall: The season of basic betches, is officially upon us.



Firstly, let’s clear up the definition of what a basic betch is exactly. A betch is someone who does whatever the fuck she wants and Instagrams it, of course after consulting with at least 5 friends what the “ingenious” caption should be. When she goes out, she’ll talk to whomever she wants. She’ll dance however she wants. She’ll wear whatever she wants. She knows she’s in charge of her life and she gives zero fucks about what you think. (Unless a picture of her doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram, then she gives many grams of fuck about what you think.)


This all applies to the basic betch subculture. The difference is that everything a basic betch wants is completely ordinary. Let’s take a look at the top three ways to spot a basic betch in Madison for the fall season:


1.) Pumpkin Spice:
No one really knows why the official drink of the NBA (National Basics Association) is a Pumpkin Spice Latte—but for some reason, it has become the crack cocaine of the basic betch community. “I’m going to drink my PSL and no one can stop me” is essentially a basic’s life motto. If she Instagrams her pumpkin spice with at least three hashtags, she is, without a doubt, a basic.  If she thinks she is somehow unique by ordering pumpkin spice instead of her regular vanilla latte or chai tea, she is sure as hell a basic. If she likes pumpkin spice at all, she is at least ten percent basic.


2.) Ugg Boots:
If it were possible to use the pH scale on a girl walking down the street wearing UGG boots, there is a 99 percent chance the results would come back as basic. She is also most likely wearing a North Face fleece jacket, and carrying a yoga mat. Ugg boots have been out of style in other parts of the country for years, yet somehow the basics of Wisconsin have drawn up enough power to keep them considered a semi-stylish form of shoe. True, they’re warm, but so is every other boot that’s made for winter. What you wear says a lot about who you are, and Uggs scream “HEY LOOK I SAW OTHER GIRLS WEARING UGGS SO I BOUGHT UGGS.” And that, dearest readers, essentially sums up how a basic makes most of her style, coffee, and life choices.


3.) Hashtags:
Following a basic’s social media accounts is an excellent way to determine how basic she truly is. Basics love hashtags. Basic hashtags include, but are not limited to: #bestboyfriendever, #Starbucks, #happy, #mcm, and #selfie. The more unoriginal the hashtag, the more basic she is. If she writes a caption and then hashtags a word that is in the caption (example: “Froyo study break #froyo”), she is probably basic. If she hashtags synonymous variations of the same word in one post,  (example: #vacation #trip #vacay), she’s a fucking basic.


Being basic truly is a spectrum. We’re all a little bit basic, because we all like at least one thing that is considered ordinary. If you’ve read this and are thinking “But wait this article described me! I’m basic?!” Don’t fret, my basic darling. It is actually okay to be basic. It’s not a bad thing. It’s just a thing.


If you’ve read this and are thinking “What?! None of that is basic! That’s just what I like and other people happen to like it too!”, pipe the fuck down, betch. You are a basic. If you’ve read this and know exactly what we’re talking about, then HALLELUJAH we like you a lot. Basic or not, go treat yourself to a delightfully warm coffee and/or boozy beverage, enjoy the crisp fall air, and celebrate the fact that you go to school in one of the most beautiful and basic cities to be in during fall. 

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