You only get one chance to make a first impression. That’s why the first date is so important. In a matter of 2-4 hours, a girl will decide if your dick is a viable penetrator or a poisoned spear warranting a lockdown. Therefore, it’s essential to pick a location that’s as memorable as it is romantic for your first date. Here are just a few ideas to help make the date special.
10.) Your 8:00 a.m. English class: Taking her to one of your classes will give her the impression that you’re very intelligent. Plus, if bae is a basic white girl who won’t stop talking about the new Mockingjay trailer, the teacher will shut her up for you!
9.) The Basement of Your Parents House: If there’s anything to be learned from That ‘70s Show, it’s that basements are where all the fun stuff happens. So why not have a first date there? It’ll be a perfect night of playing Wii tennis, bae commenting on your—we mean, “your sister’s”—Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVD collection, and listening to your dad snore as he falls asleep in the chair watching reruns of Judge Judy. Bae will leave knowing that you are family oriented and appreciate the smaller things in life.
8.) Fair Trade Coffee House: Just buy her a coffee like everyone else. The Fair Trade offers organic drinks, so she’ll know you’re a true hipster who cares about his body and his planet. She’ll get to know you with random Zooey Deschannel and First Aid Kit songs playing in the background, while two dudes behind you in beanie hats and graphic tees Instagram their almond joy mochas with an added shot of soy. It’ll be all kinds of fun.
7.) Protest at the Capitol: Participating in a protest will show her that you care about the issues plaguing this beautiful city. Try joining that crazy hypochondriac’s protest against Bucky Badger for being riddled with rabies and Ebola. She really needs help. Like a lot. More than you can offer her. She’s not well.
6.) A Classic Movie Marathon: Nothing says cultured—specifically Southern culture—like a classic movie marathon consisting of Gone with the Wind, Birth of a Nation, Goodbye Uncle Tom, and Triumph of the Will. She’ll be impressed with your knowledge of America’s classic films. And if she identifies with any of them, at least you learned she was a racist right off the bat and can avoid that all together.
5.) Candlelit Evening of Going through Your Dream Journal: A first date for a girl is all about looking for a connection, or the possibility of it. There’s no better way to connect to someone than by sharing the deep, personal secrets hidden deep within your psyche. So spend the first date going through your dream journal. She’ll see your dreams of dinosaur baristas and your full penetration of a vagazzled Jennifer Lawrence.
4.) The Removal of Your Wisdom Teeth: Two birds with one stone! You get a ride from the dentist and go on that date of yours. She’ll see that no matter how busy you are, you’ll always have time for her. Also, bloodied, vestigial teeth surpass a dozen roses any day.
3.) A Mormon Wedding: Is there anything more romantic than a man getting married to multiple wives at the same time? Definitely, but none of them are going to emphasis your open mindedness as well as a Mormon wedding. Plus, it’ll test whether or not she’d be into polygamy without scaring her off.
2.) Gordon’s: Greasy ass pizza, mass-produced omelets, dry ass burgers, hastily put together sandwiches, and fat stuffed all under one roof! Take her to Gordon’s and give her a taste of mediocrity. That way, she has a taste of what she’s getting into with you.
1.) That Crazy Party on Gorham St.: There’s no better way to connect than holding back someone’s hair as she violently expels the contents of her stomach three inches to the left of a strangers toilet. You’ll make memories that will last a nighttime, and bond over attempting (and failing) to remember them all. With your first impression out of the way, forever lost in the valley of turnt memories, you can now spend the rest of your dates on the important stuff, like planning your honeymoon.