Are you in a relationship right now that you just need to get out of before Valentine’s Day? If so, you’re in the same boat as the rest of us who have continuous relapses into the Tinder world. But no worries, we’ve got you covered. The Black Sheep brings you the top 10 ways to get rid of your significant other before the ever-anticipated day of flowers-because-society-told-me-to day.
10.) Ignore them:
Your significant other will be so pissed at you that you’re not talking to them before the most special day in a couple’s relationship that they’ll start ignoring you too. And just like that, you’re free. Call the Hogs loudly if they’re ever within earshot. It revamps your school spirit and drowns out their stupid god-damned voice.
9.) Write a letter:
Write a quick letter that basically says, “bye bitch see you never” and tell them to wait until Valentine’s Day for them to open it. Ignore them until V-Day comes to build up the suspicion of the letter. Romantic.
8.) Bake them a cake:
Everyone loves cake, and if cake is placed in front of someone you can probably guarantee they’re going to eat it. For your significant other bake a delish cake with some laxative thrown in for good measure. They won’t want to keep dating you if they think you’re a horrible cook. They’ll probably be on the toilet for the entirety of V-Day as well, which is the icing on the cake.
7.) Call them crying:
A few screaming sobs and cry-yelling into the phone how much you love, need and can’t live without them will make the person on the receiving end of this cry fest run far, far away from you. Ask them how many children they want and if they believe in pre-nups to really drive it home.
6.) Tell them you’re focusing on your career:
If they try to counter that statement and say you don’t have a career, just slap them and run away. Immediate breakup will ensue.
5.) Strip tease in public:
Give your significant other a little preview of what is to come on Valentine’s Day while you’re waiting in line at Starbucks or studying in Mullins. They’ll be so embarrassed they’ll dump you on the spot.
4.) Blame them for anything and everything:
Relationships are a two-way street, and if you start blaming them for the small things going on in your relationship it’s bound to be a one-way trip to singleville. A simple, “it’s not me, it’s you” should suffice, especially when discussing your less than stellar bedroom activities.
3.) Stop shaving:
Not shaving for your significant other is basically the equivalent of giving up. So quick man/womanscaping and prove you’ve officially given up on life and your relationship. Singing “Welcome to the Jungle” when undressing is also encouraged.
2.) Get drunk on Dickson:
And make out with a few people. It’s not cheating because you wanted to be single anyways, right?
1.) Command Netflix:
It’s time you took control of the queue and watch what you want to watch. Fill their queue up with Dance Moms and every B-Rated movie you can find, and don’t you dare feel ashamed. That’s one of the best parts about being single anyways!