It’s a holiday that most people don’t care about, because honestly it’s never a good day. Grandparents Day, Arbor Day, and even Columbus Day are more important. Yet more people can remember February 14th than June—or July? November, maybe? When the hell in Grandparents Day? But, we digress. No matter what age you are, one thing will remain consistent—Valentine’s Day always has been and always will be the biggest annoyance of your February. Allow us to offer you a chronological order of your thoughts on this sappy holiday.
Age 9: “I don’t wanna give a Valentine to everyone! Taylor’s a gross bitch and Cody’s a geek! If I give Trina the one that says ‘Be Mine’ she’s gonna think I like her, mom! You’re so stupid—just go watch Deal or No Deal in the other room. I’m only doing this for the goddamn candy!”
Age 16: “Omg Vicki, Brian’s Dad is letting him borrow the minivan so we can go to Red Robin. It’s gonna be so romantic! And I totally heard from Jesse that Brian brought me a necklace! He’s the perfect boyfriend, we’re utterly soulmates.”
“Hey Bae! I’m so excited for… wait, what? Laser tag? Listen up you little dick! You can shove Adam’s mom’s Groupon right up your ass.”
Age 21: “I am so cool with this. So fine. That breakup was weeks ago, and I’m really loving this whole ‘single’ thing. Y’know? Space! I just needed space! And now I have it. Everything is perfect! I don’t need a date for Valentine’s. I’m so cool just hanging out with some friends, getting take out, maybe getting shitfaced later. This is gonna be great! No more wasting money on gifts and stuff.
Later that night…
“I’m fine. Totally fine… fine being alone… totally alone… oh God, why does no one love me?!”
Age 33: “I know the babysitter cancelled, but we are still gonna have a great night. I got the kids in bed and I’m gonna grab some wine. Go get comfy on the couch babe—we are going to have a wonderfully romantic evening. Alright, I grabbed the heated blanket too, and we can watch a rom-com on Netflix—alright, this night is not ruined. And I’m really starting to think the crying of our bitch kids is helping to set the mood. ”
Note: That last one may or may not be a PSA from The Black Sheep to encourage you to have safe sex. You don’t want to spend a sleazy holiday on the couch with Netflix, do you? (Ah shit, that actually sounds awesome… looks like we did NOT do our job.)
Age 72: “Thanks for the chocolates, dear. They are simply splendid, just melting away in my mouth. Oh, wait, I got a chewy one here. Hmm, wow is that caramel? I couldn’t read the flavors in the box—lost my glasses again. Honey, come here; I need your little fingers. This piece is lodged right under my dentures. Garbled and panicky: “I can’t close my mouth all the way.”
So have a deep and meaningful Valentine’s Day, but don’t stress out too much. Because really, who cares?