As you may or may not have heard, Election Day is right around the corner. So, in honor of the Great American Tradition of mudslinging, pandering, and arguing about what our long-dead forefathers would have thought about technology they have no possibility of comprehending, let’s talk about some changes our beloved President Pastides would make if elected President of these United States:
5.) Make His Wife’s Cookbook Mandatory Reading:
In an ongoing effort to emulate the effortlessly cool attitude of the First Couple, First Lady Patricia-Moore Pastides has published her own cookbook, Greek Revival: Cooking for Life. Because as we all know, nothing helps older folk relate to the college-aged voter quite like vegetable talk and expensive organic cooking ingredients.
4.) Change the National Bird to the Gamecock
Listen, we’re all aware that the bald eagle is a majestic flying creature that serves as a symbol for dignity and righteous fury…except it isn’t. Have you actually seen one of these dopey-looking motherfuckers from straight on? Probably half the reason they almost went extinct is because, well, how the hell do you procreate when that’s what you have to work with? In order to preserve the dignity of the American people, incumbent President Pastides will do us all a favor by slapping a cock on that Presidential seal.
3.) Appoint Ray Tanner Vice President
Move aside, Obama/Biden bromance, there’s a new A-list couple in town. You may not want to hop on the Pastides/Tanner phasing-the-b-out-of-bromance train, but you’re not really going to have a choice in the matter.
2.) Change National Colors to Garnet, White, and Black
Betsy Ross may have had a dream design for the American flag, but we’re going to set that dream on fire and replace it with the Gamecocks’ colors. The ‘ol stars and stripes can stay… for now.
1.) Probably Actually Try to Make America the Best It Can Be
Look, let’s get real here. Harris Pastides actually seems like a genuinely nice dude. Weirdly enough, if elected President he probably would try to help people to the best of his ability. Sure, we might have to suffer through his use of the words “woke,” “fleek,” and “fam,” but if that’s the worst it’s going to be, count us in for team #Pasties4Prez