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6 Foolproof Tricks to Avoid Small Talk Around USC’s Campus

Everyone is avoiding someone. Maybe it’s that freshman year hookup that you dread making eye contact with as you cross paths in front of Russell House, more likely it’s a friend of a friend with whom you share a relationship permanently arrested in the, “I don’t really know you, but I know you too well to ignore you” stage. So since you hate small talk (or you’re lying) here are the 6 best ways to avoid chitchatting around campus:

 

6.) Fake a Coma:

 If you’re anything like most Gamecocks you’re suffering from a serious case of sleep deprivation. There’s no better time to make up for that deficit then at the exact moment you spot the object of your avoidance crossing the Horseshoe. Immediately fall backwards (being sure to land in a supine position) and pretend to be completely comatose (The Black Sheep highly recommends aiming for approximately a 4 on the Glasgow Coma Scale).

PROTIP: If the person approaches you after you’ve instigated the aforementioned coma, use this opportunity to supplement your act by faking retrograde amnesia.

 

5.) Pretend to be Your Own Long-Lost Fake Cousin:

“You mean you haven’t met [your name]’s third cousin twice removed?” is exactly what your friends will say unless they want to see their beloved Gamecocks jersey torched in a sacrificial fire. The “fake cousin” con can become quite elaborate, as costuming requires significant financial investment. In addition, you’ll need to develop a convincing character voice to sell your cousinhood. Considering most human beings can hardly distinguish between the Swedish language and the mating call of an East Caucasian tur goat, you can convincingly fake your nationality by making loud atonal noises and offering up your most pungent fermented herring.

 

4.) Take a Vow of Silence:

While long-lasting vows of silence have fallen out of fashion, 1 or 2-week sojourns from speaking are still highly encouraged. By joining the Order of Cistercians of the Strict Observance, you can finally enjoy all the best features of Trappist life. We recommend Mepkin Abbey in Moncks Corner, South Carolina, located a mere 100 miles from USC’s campus. On top of enjoying fine Trappist ales, Benedictine rule discourages “idle talk,” so literally no one will ask you how your drive was.

 

3.) Transform Into a Pterodactyl, Fly Away From Your Problems:

You know who has to make small talk? Not pterodactyls! By transfiguring your body into this esteemed Pterodactylus antiquus, you’ll not only gain 90 conical teeth and a fine leathery coating, you’ll also be able to unleash a horrifying screech that will frighten any potential small-talkers in the area. If this acquaintance is bold enough to pursue conversation with a carnivorous reptile, there’s a lot to be said for consuming them whole.

 

2.) Just Scream:

Due to the ephemeral nature of human existence, any person who’s managed to even slightly self-actualize has unfettered access an unfathomable well of uncertainty and fear. So tap into that pain and just scream! Hearing your howls at the agony of mortal impotence may incite some passersby to join you, which means it’s also a great way to make new friends on campus.

 

1.) Pretend to Be Midway Through the Process of Being Sucked Into a Portal to Another Dimension:

We have yet to prove the multiverse exists, except in the universe where we have. Or at least that’s what your friends will say once you’ve vanished to one of these many universes in order to avoid five minutes of forced conversation about how your weekend went. Screaming and flailing of limbs is a must, and if you can acquire a fog machine/strobe light/portal through space, time, and reality it can only help you.

PROTIP: To really sell this one, stick one hand in a textbook, wave the other around and wail something along the lines of, “Agggh!!! If I had read A Brief History of Time, maybe I wouldn’t be in this mess!”

Follow these tricks and the next time you see that kid from your high school, or that hot TA you had a crush on, Internet stalked, and accidentally liked a 28-week-old Instagram of, you’ll never have to settle for awkward pleasantries again.

Just like the leaves on trees or the srat stars’ skin, coffee in Starbucks cups nation wide is turning orange this month?

 

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