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Darla Moore Student Guilty of Attending All 8a.m. Classes Tried as Witch, Burned at the Stake


Stephanie Hollings, an international business student at the Darla Moore School of Business, was burned at the stake last week following an investigation that proved she was heavily involved in the use of witchcraft.


The University of South Carolina Student Code of Conduct specifically prohibits the employ of witchcraft for academic gain. Punishments for violating the terms of this agreement can be quite severe.


The accusations against Ms. Hollings were first lodged by a group of students who found it suspicious that Hollings had not only managed to attend all her 8a.m. classes this semester, but also maintained a 4.0GPA while being involved in several student organizations.


“At first we were as skeptical as you are,” spoke Nancy Buchan, Associate Dean of Undergraduate Programs, “but after close examination of her individual class grades, we determined that the students had been correct in their initial accusation of witchcraft.”


The Witch Trial consisted of several testimonies from students and teaching staff, an aggressive recitation of the Lord’s Prayer, and a “Trial by Water,” though the latter had to be withdrawn once it was discovered that most adults have received swimming instruction at some point in their lives.


“It was suggested to us that maybe she wasn’t a witch. Maybe she’s just smart. Well answer me this—if she’s so smart, why’d she let herself get burned as a witch?” spoke the head of the disciplinary committee, John Masters.


“Look we didn’t want to make a whole spectacle of the thing,” said Dean Peter Brews, standing before an 11-foot high pillar of smoke and flame, “but everyone knows you have to burn witches if you really want them gone for good. That’s just common sense.”


Professor of history Kathryn Edwards has dropped her fall semester schedule in order to consult the Senior Administrative Staff at the Darla Moore School.


“Listen, there’s only two things that can survive a nuclear holocaust, and that’s cockroaches and witches,” spoke Professor Edwards. “They’re pests. If you don’t deal with the problem early on, pretty soon you’ll have a whole swarm of witches! Nobody wants that.”


In order to prevent a widespread witch infestation, Dean Brews has organized a precautionary Witch Hunt to be scheduled for the end of this month. The Dean invites all interested students and faculty to participate.

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