After the recent election, many USC students are looking to head to the great white north, and who can blame them. They’ve got everything from goofy wildlife to the hunkiest Prime Minister in North America. So we at The Black Sheep have put together some tips on how to make your transition smoother!
5.) If a Moose Allows You to Touch it Between It’s Antlers:
Everyone knows that, in accordance to the Canadian Constitution, if a moose (Latin name Alces alces) approaches you in the wilderness and allows you to benevolently rest a palm in between its antlers, you are immediately awarded Canadian citizenship. This “Touch of the Moose” is one of the most spiritual rituals in Canadian culture, and recent research suggests that this ceremony may be the primary basis for the Canadian system of government. Legend has it that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau actually spent three days in the arctic wastelands of Newfoundland, luring this esteemed herbivore with large, succulent shrubberies.
PROTIP: The average moose stands roughly 6 feet tall. So like, depending on your height, maybe bring a stepping stool.
(Also, Justin Trudeau if you’re reading this, please call me.)
4.) Trial by Ice:
Ice hockey. Canada’s national pastime is like baseball’s weird violent cousin that shows up unannounced to family functions with two black eyes and an impending prison sentence. According to Immigration services, you can apply for a “Trial by Ice” following a 6 month period of legal Canadian residency. Under a 1980 addendum to a preexisting immigration law, “If a legal resident of a Canadian province can score one (1) goal in a one-on-one scrimmage match with NHL Champion Wayne Douglas Gretzky, they may be considered a Canadian citizen.”
(Justin, if you see this, I’m free on Thursday night. We can get pancakes and watch the sunrise over Ottawa. Actually, you used to box, so what do you eat…like raw eggs? I mean, I’ve never eaten a raw egg before, but there’s a first time for everything, and you’re very good looking.)
3.) How Much Maple Syrup Can You Eat?:
If you can eat approximately 5lbs of maple syrup candy or maple byproducts without going into hypoglycemic shock, or developing branched-chain ketoaciduria, also known as Maple syrup urine disease (MSUD), you’ve proven your system is prepared for the Canadian diet.
(Justin, I’ll admit it. Raw eggs aren’t my first choice for snack, but I’m willing to make compromises for a man with soft ebony curls that glimmer with the majesty of obsidian sunlight. Also, is it weird if I say sometimes I think about lovingly caressing your eyebrows? You got brows like a Spartan warrior, and I like that.)
2.) Say Something Genuinely Nice About a Large Family of Tourists Taking a Really Long Time in Line for Airport Security:
Your move, Americans.
(I know you’re a socialist, but my love for you can’t be redistributed.)
1.) Just Apply Through the Proper Channels:
Whatever, man. This is the link for Canada’s immigration services. Go nuts.
(Justin, here’s our perfect date night: I pick you up on my 18-inch Unicycle with personalized chrome detailing. Since your many talents do not include unicycle riding, you’re forced to ride behind, clinging to me for support. Because practical physics is a science that crushes the hopes of even the most fervent dreamer, you have to ride perched on my shoulders. Later we have a romantic candlelit dinner with Maglite XL50 LED flashlights in place of candles, because one time when I was seven I caught my hair on fire. You knew this about me and planned accordingly. Later we kiss in the glow of dozens of Maglites strategically rested on the floor, and you graciously pretend the under-lighting doesn’t give me six independently-moving double chins.)
We hope this guide will make your transition into Candadianism much smoother!
If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged Lunchable boxes, this is for you: