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Incredibly Hungover Student Drives to Chick-fil-A on a Sunday, Collapses in a Puddle of Despair

This past weekend University of South Carolina student Jimmy Reeves was confirmed to have driven all the way to Chick-fil-A, completely unaware that it was, in fact, a Sunday. Upon realizing his mistake Reeves collapsed under the combination of both severe hangover and the weight of his own self-loathing.

Onlookers were attracted to the scene after they heard high-pitched screeching and wails, coupled with the back-and-forth shaking of Reeves’ vehicle. 911 was dialed shortly after. It was later discover that the shaking was caused by Reeves rocking in the fetal position in the driver’s seat of his car. 

Witnesses reported that Reeves issued the following statement to the crowd, crying; “Agghh! Aaaaaarghh! Ahhh!” When asked if he could clarify his remarks, Reeves clutched his head and proceeded to mutter, “Eat Mor Chickin” under his breath for the next several minutes.

The first medical responders on the scene were at a loss for what to do. “Look, I’ve been an EMT for almost a decade and I’ve never seen anything this devastating before,” said local emergency responder, Ted Greene. “The most important thing I’ve learned is that you have got to know when someone is beyond help. In Reeves’ case, well, we just couldn’t resuscitate him. I had to call it. His dreams of those Chick-fil-A chicken biscuits are with God now.”

Reeves is not alone in his plight. Research has indicated that as much as 17% of the student population has suffered the same affliction during their time at Carolina. This rate shows no signs of slowing down in the near future.

“We’ve all done it,” said engineering major, Hannah Gethard. “You forget it’s Sunday, crave a Chicken Sandwich, nuggets, maybe some Chick-n-Strips, or I guess a Chicken Salad Sandwich if you’re in to that kind of thing. But normally you remember before you go, or when you’re about to leave your house. You don’t go all the way there! No wonder he’s such a mess. I hope he makes it, I really do.”

Friends and family arrived on the scene to join Reeves in mourning. Afterward, they adjourned in a nearby McDonald’s for the wake. Reeves was said to be in a much more stable condition after eventually settling for a McChicken and a Diet Coke.

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