Inevitably at some point during your time at South Carolina you’ll find yourself cross-legged in a squat position outside the bathroom line at MNP waiting for four freshman girls crammed into a single stall to finish their business so you can finish yours. You may find yourself with no other choice but to pop a squat in an alley in Five Points. Not that this has happened to you, but if it has, here’s a list of places you might want to consider next time you need to make your bladder a little gladder.
5.) Literally Anywhere At Cook Out (Provided It’s After 3 a.m.):
Listen, no one here is going to judge you. Even if they were going to judge you, by 3 a.m. the vast majority of the customer base is so out of it that you could replace their Cajun-seasoned French fries with literal powdered bleach and they would be none-the-wiser. Plus, at this point the Cook Out employees have become accustomed to the shenanigans of drunk college students, and as a result have reached a level of apathy unprecedented by man. Fear not, drop trou, and proceed.
4.) Behind These Bushes Next to Moosehead Saloon:
For those of you who might be on the shyer side, try squeezing behind the bushes next to Moosehead Saloon. Not only will you get that much-needed privacy, you’ll also have the added benefit of really communing with the environment, doing your business in the bushes like nature intended.
BONUS: If you get caught by management, they’ll surely thank you for keeping their plants hydrated!
3.) This Fountain:
Located at the intersection of Greene and Harden in Five Points, this charming fountain is the perfect place to take a break from Breakers and dump the slushy-filled contents of your bladder. The churning water adds pleasant background noise in order to put you at ease.
PROTIP: After you’ve finished, don’t forget to do a courtesy rinse for your hands. Any observers will be impressed by your excellent hygiene and manners!
2.) Between Two Cars on Saluda:
Saluda is great for many reasons. Fine dining, coffee, shopping, and most importantly, the lines of cars provide excellent shelter for you to duck and cover while you do your thing. If the satisfaction of knowing one of Columbia’s many meter maids will be stomping around in the remnants of your urine doesn’t bring you some kind of sick satisfaction, then you must not go to Carolina.
1.) This Alleyway Next to the Old UltraTan:
If you’re looking for privacy, look no further. The old UltraTan sits scenically across from the Harden Street Post Office, and we’ve never once seen an employee enter or exit there. Not only that, while you try to inconspicuously pull your romper/Chubbies/jeans down, check out the ambient UV radiation that’s undoubtedly leftover from UltraTan’s many years of business in that spot. We’re not promising you’ll walk away with a sweet tan, but anything is possible.
Next time you’ve prematurely broken the seal, have a look back at our guide. Just think, with your help the University of South Carolina could finally achieve the dream of changing its alma mater to, “Carolina, forever to pee!”
Where have the gals been? Not at the bars, because it’s sorority rush time.