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Thousands of South Carolina Students Afraid to Show Ankles in Public

Popular USC fashion as of late has seen a rising trend among male students on campus. The style of donning Nike socks pulled halfway up the shin has dominated the past couple years. While most of the general public is ambivalent to the popularity of this fashion, some have expressed concern that the trend of covering ankles could be indicative of a larger systematic oppression on campus.


“It’s like, these guys are being totally brainwashed to think they have to cover their ankles,” said senior political science major Allison Bamford. “Also like, aren’t their shins hot under there?”


Bamford is a co-founding member of the protest group Freedom for Ankles, which champions liberation from the offensive garment and supports anti-sock restrictions in the greater Columbia area.


“These socks are just indicative of an oppressive matriarchy here on campus,” said fellow Freedom for Ankles member Julia Harper. “These guys just don’t understand that they’re being oppressed, but that’s why we’re going to free them whether they like it or not!”


When asked if any of the Freedom for Ankles members had inquired after the male students’ opinion on the matter, the protesters appeared confused by the suggestion.


“I don’t see what their opinion has to do with anything,” spoke one protester, Anna Sedaris, holding her “No Socks, Yes Shoes? Yes Service!” sign aloft while marching in formation around the Horseshoe with other Freedom for Ankles members.


In order to further gauge just how deep this sock tyranny runs, The Black Sheep sat down with junior Stan Aukerman to discuss his choice of “fashion.” Aukerman wears the standard Nike socks, hiked up high so as to obscure any vision of the lower half of his shin. Occasionally the sock slips, its elastic worn from what one suspects are a week’s worth of nonstop wear. Beneath that line you can spot the contrasting shades of his pale white skin against a somehow even paler shade of white skin.


Aukerman is not forthcoming in his interview. His repeated insistence that covering his ankles is merely a fashion choice borders on the delusional.


“Why does everyone keep asking me this?” he pleads, “It’s just a choice, man. Like I wake up and pull my socks as high as they go. I look cool as shit.”


Mr. Auckerman is not the only student suffering from this fashion dysmorphia, as nearly 35% of USC males suffer from the same delusion.


While no legislation has been passed in regards to the covering of ankles, Freedom for Ankles representatives remain hopeful that their unrelenting lobbying of anti-sock legislations will pass.


This one’s for all of you who’ve been duct taped inside a porta-potty:


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