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At Least We Kept Our Shit Together, Badgers

Win or lose, we’re not a bunch of fuck boys about it. No matter the score of the game, there’s nothing that Frank the Tank isn’t good at (besides dancing, of course). In the midst of a horribly depressing loss to Duke—because refs don’t know about physics and the sad look of teletubby—the sadness of fans reeling from defeat and loss seems to be catching up with the very sensitive and thoughtful guy.


After the recent loss to Duke, Kaminsky has begun to really think about the pain and loss that comes with the tournament and has sought to make it right with all those he’s caused so much hurt to. Even in the loss to Duke, Badger fans were still able to keep a semblance of cool. On the other hand, Kentucky fans were unable to control their wild, hormonal like emotions, which caused leakage of salty fluids from the eye sockets of certain ticket holders. And much like with that Villanova band member a few weeks back, the NCAA television affiliates, being the sadists that they are, enjoyed exploiting Kentucky’s weak souls to make the Badger fans feel somewhat disgusted with their well-deserved and exciting victory.


Whoever was in charge of the cameras on Saturday had a personal vendetta against this Kentucky fan, who must have a pretty amazing life if the loss of a basketball game is enough to get him to the “grandpa’s funeral” level of tears he was sporting. The footage remained on this poor soul for a whole fifteen seconds.

Seriously, Badgers don’t cry when shit like this happens, even when they are dressed as a teletubby on national television after witnessing the NCAA championship trophy slip through their alma mater’s grasp. Kaminsky, talking about his feelings towards causing all these frowns and such, had this to say.


“I am so sorry! I had no idea that my exceptional athleticism could cause so much pain in people. I didn’t mean to make any tears, other than those of joy. I wish there didn’t have to be losers in this tournament—especially when those losers are us—‘cause it doesn’t feel great. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and we could all eat it and be happy. I wish I had a home I could invite you to so we could hang out and I could atone for my actions. I’m in between places right now, but once I get my home back, you’re more than welcome to come on over for a visit so I can make it right. I owe you that much.”


The fans at the game were nothing compared to the fans back home in Kentucky, however, as after the loss the fans rioted on the streets with fire! That’s right… they fire-bent the shit out of their campus because they lost at basketball. Wisconsin students only set fire to a couple things after the loss of the championship, and it was all shitty Duke stuff anyways. All Kentucky fans must have pretty great lives to get so riled up over this. But Kaminsky, being the tender giant he his, was super guilt ridden over the whole situation.


“So much fire. We did this! I did this! I never thought that being one of the best college basketball players in the nation could cause so much chaos and devastation. I never meant for any of this to happen. I am so sorry to all of the Kentucky residents effected by this riot for playing well enough to make it to the ‘ship rather than your home state’s university. We didn’t even win, so I can’t really say it was worth it. If you’re homeless due to the fires, come over to Madison and stay with me. My bridge is your bridge. It’s the least I can do. I owe you that much.”


What a splendid fella.  He’s a perfect personification of the University of Wisconsin and its fans. Frank’s got the perfect level bloodlust to help him be an exceptional player without becoming an incredibly rageful roidmonster. Which is why Wisconsin actually won on Monday night. In our hearts. Our hearts of steel.  #FuckDuke

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