There are many theories out there about what Bo Ryan’s secret halftime weapon is, as Bo Ryan always seems to be able to rally the Badgers well enough to make them really want it in the second half and win the whole kit and caboodle and get the first seed (if anyone knows why the hell they call it seed, please let us know @BlackSheep_UW). The Black Sheep did a bit of investigating on this obviously paranormal/supernatural occurrence, and the answers were quite shocking/disturbing/plural.
We first sought after the most famous Badger—and newly homeless—Frank Kaminsky in an effort to get answers on this obviously sinister occurrence through any means necessary.
“Oh my God, finally someone noticed!” Kaminsky cheered. “He made us perform a blood oath ritual to prevent us from ever telling another living soul—but he’s not very good at reading ancient texts, so there’s a loophole in the spell that allows me to tell someone about it if they ask me.”
Ol’ Frankie then continued to tell us all about his adventures Go-Karting and other fun stuff he did, instead of going to class like a normal student (because he’s the greatest player in the NCAA). We’ll spare you the annoyingly aggravating details and get to the fun, torture-y parts.
“Enough about all my stress-free college fun, though. I suppose I should just reveal Bo Ryan for the evil, sadistic sorcerer he is,” Kaminsky stated after showing us a picture of him in bed with his shirt off saying goodnight to a collective people that care for some reason. “Bo Ryan is a wizard. But not the good kind like Harry Potter or that old guy that controls metal. Like, an evil wizard who uses his powers to threaten his athletes to play better through fear rather than making us magically better at basketball. People need to stop praising him! He collapsed the Humanities Bridge and rendered me homeless all because of that dunk I didn’t block a year ago! He told me I’d be punished—but only when I least expected it.”
Frank the Tank quickly became unruly, and demanded that the guy the Chancellor hired to keep him supplied with freshly-cooked steaks at all times come to his rescue. But Kaminsky’s not the only one with horror stories of Ryan, however. Sam Dekker from Sheboygan—who is therefore better than poser Sconnie/actual FIB Kaminsky—described a similarly horrifying experience in the locker room halftime rituals.
“He flogged Derek Wright! Who’s Derek Wright you ask?” Dekker said, even though no one actually asked about Derek Wright. “Exactly. Nobody knows who he is—because Bo flogged him and erased his memory from everyone’s minds. His parents forgot all about him. His mother thinks the reason she doesn’t have kids is because she’s barren! She’s not barren! Bo needs to be stopped!”
Through all these scary stories, we decided we needed to hear it from the man himself—the legendary Bo Ryan. As busy as that man is, we met the famous coach in his office. When asked about all these horrid accusations, Ryan became very defensive.
“Bollocks! I’ve never laid a finger on those blimey blokes!” Ryan informed us as he was carving the finishing touches on a pleasantly symmetrical pentagram on his desk. “Those bloody boys are like sons to me. Any fear I instigate in their hearts comes from the very essence of my love for them. I need them to survive! Seriously, I feed of their youth and talent. I’m actually 150 years old. And I wouldn’t just use any old youths as sustenance. They are special to me, and if a little tough love is what it takes to help them reach their full potential and keep me alive and kicking, so be it. Any father would agree with me.”
It seems the athletes we interviewed were a little overdramatic. Does Ryan keep the soul of Kaminsky’s future first born in a jar on his desk? Sure he does! Is it a little weird? Maybe to some people. But Bo Ryan is one of the most famous and successful college basketball coaches around these days. He obviously knows what he’s doing, and who are us civilians to tell him how to do his job? Who cares how he gets us that NCAA trophy? Just as long as we don’t suffer, you do you Bo.